20 Hilarious Tweets That Prove Parenting is a Never-Ending Comedy Show

Wife brought 2yo to bed. Shortly after, he slowly emerged from the bedroom, with her still in it. He quietly carefully slowwwwly closed the door behind him, while backing out and gesturing to her "shhhhhhh" the whole way. Then left her in there and came to join us.

— Joe Oliver (@joeolivermd) September 27, 2023

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I'm up.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023

My 5yo: AT SCHOOL IF YOU BE NAUGHTY YOU HAVE TO SIT IN A CHAIR AND I AM NOT NAUGHTY BUT I WANTED TO SIT IN THE CHAIR SO I BE CRAZY AND THE TEACHER TOLD ME TO SIT IN THE CHAIR
Me:
5yo: WASN’T EVEN FUN IN THE CHAIR. GUESS I’M DONE WITH THE CRAZY

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 14, 2024

Reached into a pocket of my diaper bag only to find a handful of cat food. When asked about this, my 5 year old said, “in case we see some cats”

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) January 3, 2024

Yesterday one of my sons was caught drafting an email enquiry to a farm about a donkey called Basil. His plan was to buy Basil and hide him in the side alley by our house.

— Dr Ollie Douglas (@OllieDouglas) December 16, 2023

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) September 27, 2023

My son just informed me it’s illegal for 9 year olds to eat broccoli.

— Kelly (@kelly__le) September 27, 2023

5yo: dad don’t read my journal it’s private!

The journal entry: I love zebras

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 2, 2024

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 28, 2023

Preschool wants us to print out photos a make a collage of all our family members, which is actually an impossible task bc printing out photos is impossible but I went to CVS, fought with the photo machine and DID IT. Got home, the 3yo was like "you forgot a photo of the snail"

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 27, 2023

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 28, 2023

I’m showering for work when 9 y/o busts in on me.

Me: “Excuse me!”

9 y/o: “I’m late for school and I have to brush my teeth. Just stay in the shower. I don’t want to see anything that will ruin my childhood.”

☠️

— Jennifer Public Radio (@AmbientSynthy) September 30, 2023

The 7-yr old said to me in a rare moment ‘I am so so glad that you are my mummy’ and I thought I would cry and then she said ‘other people’s mothers only give them healthy lunches’.

— Prof. Pragya Agarwal (@DrPragyaAgarwal) February 15, 2024

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) September 27, 2023

The most disappointing thing about being a kid is that you don't realize you're in the chillest part of life. You can't even appreciate your easygoing struggles because you're blinded by rage. You had to share your crayons with your sister, and it's the worst day of your life.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 26, 2023

Obsessed with the stage where preschoolers can talk really well but haven’t figured out what words are commonly used in conversation by kids, right now my 3yo keeps using “certainly” in every sentence like “I certainly do love gummy bears”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 31, 2023

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

— Ben Jenkins (@bencjenkins) February 16, 2024

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

— Chele, please! (@_YamSmalls_) September 30, 2023

My son and my little sister (she's 8) ripped open a bean bag chair to see what's inside. It made a huge mess. She wrote us this note and showed it to us before the big reveal pic.twitter.com/pS8dNbv7NY

— that jawn (@tenderlilguy) September 25, 2023