20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Hit the end of my rope on vacation and said we aren't going on another vacation until the kids are 18, and instead of that statement having any emotional impact, the kids are excitedly talking about how they're going to bring their husbands and wives and children.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 21, 2024

I recently taught my kiddo how to make my iced coffee bc she loves to be involved- it’s always made so well & the other day something just felt off- this morning she made my coffee & while she was doing the espresso she said “sometimes you need extra energy.. so I do 4 scoops”

— ❀ 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚎𝚢𝚢 ❀ (@Stonedwifeyy) August 18, 2024

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) August 22, 2024

Quotes from my 16 year old during our driving lesson:

Why can’t I just use a different foot for each pedal?

Oops, haha, I mixed up the brake and the gas

You need to relax

I’VE GOT THIS MOM (as we drive over a curb)

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) August 21, 2024

My son informed me last night that all his recent sleeping problems were a result of not enough bedtime cheese. It was actually a 6 yr old molar coming in, but he is firmly convinced he just needed more cheese.

— Beth (@Dirtdragonmom) August 23, 2024

Husband: going to the store real quick!

Me to kid: wanna go with daddy!?

Kid: YAY

Husband: *look of betrayal*

Me, mouths: I'm sorry

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 23, 2024

I didn’t realize there was a wrong way to mow a lawn until I asked my son to do it.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 22, 2024

Hello. My two-year-old child has been watching Olympic diving replays for the past half hour and every time the divers hit the water he says, "Oh no!"

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) August 19, 2024

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 18, 2024

I asked my kid how to change a setting on my phone and she laughed. Not sure what’s funny. I taught her how to use a spoon.

— 🇨🇦ƬӨЯᄃΉIΛ🇫🇷🇮🇹 (@kingtorc) August 18, 2024

Please pray for me today as I have to have a really important conversation with my boss (toddler) about some potential new workplace initiatives (not screaming in the car for 45 minutes) that could really improve employee morale (maternal sanity)

— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) August 23, 2024

11yo: So I got my new locker combination and—
5yo: WHAT IF YOUR HAIR WAS MADE OF SPATULAS

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) August 21, 2024

If your wife is sad because you just dropped your kid off at college it may require something drastic to cheer her up. I just suggested we go look for a new fall wreath.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2024

My child BEGGED for sticky notes at the store, so I bought him some, thinking he just wanted to write me notes or something. Turns out the reason he wanted them was so he could write “SPEEDING TICKIT” on them and slap them on anything resembling a vehicle.

— StressieBessie (@EPrecipice) August 21, 2024

Made a 4 PM pot of coffee on a Sunday just as it started to rain. The middle aged vibes are immaculate.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 18, 2024

My toddler has these little stuffed animals he calls his “guys” and it’s the cutest thing… before he takes a nap, he’s always like “I need my guys.” That’s all, I used to be cool.

— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) August 18, 2024

My kids just used THE PRINCESS BRIDE as evidence of my “terrible taste in movies” so now it’s clear that I’m a complete failure as a parent

— Emily Chibwana (@emilychibwana) August 18, 2024

While we picnicked on the beach earlier this week, my 3yo sighed and said, "Ah! This is the life." He contemplated the shoreline in silence as he ate.

After a while I asked, "What are you thinking about?"

Solemnly he replied, "Finking 'bout… peanut butter honey sandwich." 😌

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 23, 2024