21 of the Funniest Quips From Women This Week

my dad just told me he's going to pull a prank by "acting completely normal" at my brother's wedding

— meeka (@MeekyBlinders) May 11, 2025

you will be having the worst morning of your life and then someone will start mowing their lawn

— regular sadmeister (@gardeinqueen) May 11, 2025

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

— Remi (@IhyRemi) May 11, 2025

My cat, who is normally fine with being picked up, will fight me if I pick him up while the washing machine is filling up with water. He thinks I’m going to put him in the washing machine. I have never once even pretended to put him in the washing machine. Why does he think that

— Karen, Esq. (@comradeflirty) May 11, 2025

No time like now to start “flossing regularly” before tomorrow’s dental appointment

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) May 14, 2025

At the gym and I forgot my headphones and now I have to listen to my own thoughts. Send help.

— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) May 14, 2025

highly recommend getting a job working with teenagers if you enjoy being told that the music you listened to six years ago is gross old people music, unlike this brand new artist they are just discovering who has been dead since 1997

— Janel Comeau 🍁 (@VeryBadLlama) May 15, 2025

*looking up after 7 straight hours of being on my phone* “there literally aren’t enough hours in the day to get anything done”

— chase (@_chase_____) May 14, 2025