20 Funny Tweets About Married Life

my wife thinks just because these shorts have 2 holes in them that I should throw them away. She doesn't understand that I have new lounge around the house shorts now. They've been promoted.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 4, 2024

Love is patient, love is kind, love is quietly moving into the guestroom to go back to sleep instead of kicking your husband and telling him to roll over to quit snoring for the millionth time.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) August 5, 2024

Who is that? …. Why did he do that? …. Where are they going? …. What's she doing? …. Who is that? ~ Movie time with my wife

— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 13, 2024

Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her 3 millionth candle.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) October 17, 2023

My wife was trying to tell me a quick story and after the umpteenth time our kids interrupted her she said, “Nevermind, maybe we can talk again when they’re grown up,” and that about sums up being married with kids.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 12, 2023

To accommodate the size of my wife's new water bottle we've replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 10, 2024

My husband and I are going away for the weekend. He just came downstairs and asked me if he needed to pack “restaurant clothes.” He is 55 years old.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 13, 2023

If marriage taught me anything, it’s that women have a whole house and men have a chair and one random drawer in the kitchen.

— Tandy (@dantypo) October 24, 2023

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) October 1, 2023

Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024

One of the best highs a husband can experience is when he realizes the reason his wife is mad, is not because of him.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 20, 2023

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 24, 2024

We have a photographer at our house for family and newborn pictures, so naturally my husband is out cleaning the grill.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 27, 2023

Me: Whatcha watching?
Wife: The Good Wife.
Me: Getting any pointers?

– why I'm sleeping on the couch tonight

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 22, 2023

My wife and I wanted to go to a movie but it didn't start until 4:30PM, so we'll try another day when we won't be out all night.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) October 30, 2023

Today, my husband learned that bras don’t go in the dryer. He'd tell you himself, but he's still locked out of the house.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2024

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 5, 2023

My wife has written my name on my train picnic sandwich. I am 54 years old. pic.twitter.com/JEdIdZoUPb

— Jason Westerman #MDANT (@westyjase) July 25, 2024

Told my husband to put the soup in the fridge and he put the entire crockpot in there. 😳🤷🏼‍♀️ pic.twitter.com/7aBJkqVITP

— Clare Zim, MD (@ClareZimMD) October 7, 2023

I laughed out loud! 🤣 pic.twitter.com/qUowIzr6zc

— The Figen (@TheFigen_) October 25, 2023