Here’s a little collection of some funny and relatable quips from married folks.
Hope these bring you some laughs!
Janene
#1
My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) January 13, 2023
#2
my dad rates the complexity of a shopping list by how many phone calls home he thinks it will take. parents are hosting a dinner party tonight and he looks at the list my mom gave him and says “woah this is a 5-caller for sure”
— Sara Daunt (@sara_daunt) June 2, 2018
#3
Who is that? …. Why did he do that? …. Where are they going? …. What's she doing? …. Who is that? ~ Movie time with my wife
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 13, 2024
#4
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
#5
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
— The Dad (@thedad) October 14, 2019
#6
It's my wife's job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024
#7
Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020
#8
If marriage taught me anything, it’s that women have a whole house and men have a chair and one random drawer in the kitchen.
— Tandy (@dantypo) October 24, 2023
#9
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) October 1, 2023
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
#10
Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024
#11
One of the best highs a husband can experience is when he realizes the reason his wife is mad, is not because of him.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 20, 2023
#12
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 24, 2024
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'
#13
We have a photographer at our house for family and newborn pictures, so naturally my husband is out cleaning the grill.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 27, 2023
#14
We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 1, 2024
#15
My wife and I wanted to go to a movie but it didn't start until 4:30PM, so we'll try another day when we won't be out all night.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) October 30, 2023
#16
Today, my husband learned that bras don’t go in the dryer. He'd tell you himself, but he's still locked out of the house.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2024
#17
My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 9, 2024
#18
When I tell my husband I need two minutes, I mean two football minutes—so, like, 20 minutes, a timeout, and maybe a snack break.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 23, 2024
#19
My husband could never cheat on me because he would literally need me to make that plan for him.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 24, 2021
#20
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen "to get something."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 23, 2024
#21
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 6, 2020
#22
My husband just told me he wants a divorce.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 24, 2020
Actually his exact words were “I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year,” but tomato, to-mah-to
#23
Told my husband to put the soup in the fridge and he put the entire crockpot in there. 😳🤷🏼♀️ pic.twitter.com/7aBJkqVITP
— Clare Zim, MD (@ClareZimMD) October 7, 2023
#24
I laughed out loud! 🤣 pic.twitter.com/qUowIzr6zc
— The Figen (@TheFigen_) October 25, 2023
#25
