20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) May 14, 2023

Martha Stewart is 81 years old and on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

I’m 41 and just got exhausted trying to get out of a sweaty sports bra.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 15, 2023

the older i get the more i realize my mom was right, but i just didn’t like her tone

— purple (@prplexi) May 15, 2023

Do guys actually know how much makeup is involved in the "no makeup" look?

— Mmmkay (@very_oddmother) May 12, 2023

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

— Taylor Kay Phillips (@TayKayPhillips) May 15, 2023

tv is such a powerful medium. The phrase ‘moderate to severe plaque psoriasis’ has been rattling around in my head since I was like four

— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) May 16, 2023

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so "something must be wrong with her food, she's clearly hungry but only wants mine"

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) May 16, 2023

The first step to spring cleaning is laying down on the couch to take a nap. I don’t make the rules.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) May 18, 2023

When I was younger I really imagined adult me having a cooler hobby than binge watching tv shows

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 17, 2023

My husband does this cute thing where he asks me where to find things, like he’s new here.

— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) May 13, 2023

Ask your doctor if eating a gallon of queso is right for you.

— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) May 18, 2023

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is "We needed to leave five minutes ago."

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) May 18, 2023

In college I borrowed my mom’s favorite pair of heels for a party. After the party I came home wearing one shoe (don’t ask). I knew she would be livid so I called her and told her I was pregnant. Then said haha just kidding I lost one of your shoes. She’s been mad for 30 yrs.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 19, 2023

idk why so many people claim high school does a bad job preparing you for adulthood— anytime I’m faced with a difficult situation I just have to ask myself how am I gonna y=mx+b my way outta this one

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) May 19, 2023

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 19, 2023

Saw a Tik tok where a dog trainer was like “a lot of people who think they want a dog actually want a cat, they’ve just never had a cat so they dont know it” and yes

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 16, 2023

if my dress has pockets rest assured that i am one hundred percent going to show you.

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) May 19, 2023

No, I will not “thrive under pressure”. I will thrive in an English countryside cottage with a thatched roof, some chickens in the garden, and the smell of apple tarts wafting out of the windows.

— Icona 📚 (@iconawrites) May 18, 2023

Girls that grew up in the 80’s can smell, feel and taste this picture pic.twitter.com/HUYdhSTlNZ

— Midge (@mxmclain) May 17, 2023

if a movie is 3+ hours long the theater should pause for a bathroom break at some point. there should be a button you can press on the arm rest when you have to pee and when a certain percentage of people press the button they pause the movie

— hil (@plume__) May 18, 2023