20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

went into my local charity shop, found a gorgeous shirt and thought to myself “what a find” bought it, took it home – shortly after I realised it was my shirt. That I donated. To the charity shop. 🙂 x

— S O P H (@SophGalustian) February 3, 2023

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 15, 2021

My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015

i love elevator etiquette. absolutely no expectation to make small talk with other people. everyone just stares at a wall in silence

— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) January 15, 2023

Netflix and Hulu got one more price raise before I dust off that dvd player 😑

— Hennessey James (@_EricLamarBeatz) September 29, 2023

Always nice to see my son’s apple return home from it’s daily school outing

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 26, 2022

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 13, 2022

If my wife left me for Beckham I would totally get it. I’d help her pack and wish them well and hopefully we’d stay friends and I could go round for a BBQ and maybe get close enough to smell him https://t.co/a83amripQx

— Davie Wills 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 (@DavieLegend) May 19, 2018

Colonel being pronounced Kernel really bothers my spirit

— Domonique (@ChefDomonique) May 24, 2020

I just found out that cauliflower waffles are a thing now and I just want to say that if anyone ever serves me a cauliflower waffle i will immediately call the police

— insta.single (@insta_single) March 1, 2021

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 27, 2021

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) August 17, 2021

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

— The Dad (@thedad) October 14, 2019

Procedure for greeting guests:
1. Shout “THEY’RE HERE!”
2. Scurry around the house frantically for a bit for no real reason
3. Skulk and spy from window
4. Await doorbell
5. Pause for a few seconds, open door, start joyfully shouting as if it’s all a massive delightful surprise

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) December 24, 2018

Being a baby must be traumatizing at times. Imagine going to sleep in your house and you wake up at Target

— Andy Faris (@andyfaris) August 16, 2019

someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 13, 2021

If anyone ever tells you it’s healthier to eat less cheese they are 100% just trying to get your cheese

— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) February 17, 2024

I'm amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I'm a European peasant. So it's like "Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we'll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!"

— Jamie Kenney (@LaComtesseJamie) April 24, 2018

I JUST WITNESSED A LADY THROW AWAY THE CENTER OF A CINNAMON ROLL.

THE CENTER OF A CINNAMON ROLL.

THE GREATEST BITE OF THE CINNAMON ROLL.

THE REASON YOU GET THE CINNAMON ROLL.

THE CENTER. OF THE. CINNAMON ROLL.

This world is full of monsters.

Monsters.

— tanner olson (@tannerJolson) December 6, 2018