20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

Sorry. Can’t. It’s my bday month so I have 423 businesses to patronize all so I can save $3.50 and get a free cookie

— floorboard (@StruggleDisplay) June 25, 2024

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 15, 2021

My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 16, 2015

My 6yo has informed me that in the event of tomatoes we need to go into a small room or basement

— meghan (@deloisivete) July 11, 2024

Netflix and Hulu got one more price raise before I dust off that dvd player 😑

— Henny James (@_EricLamarBeatz) September 29, 2023

Always nice to see my son’s apple return home from it’s daily school outing

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) October 26, 2022

was trying to get my 2yo to nap on vacation, so i offered her a cheddar square to nibble on and said “let’s lie down on our cot and read a book in the nice quiet darkness together.” since then she has been asking to “eat cheese in the darkness”

— Katie Chironis (@kchironis) July 7, 2024

Didn't realize how few perks we have at the office til I said "we're allowed to listen to the radio on Friday!" to a new hire in a way that can be likened to a girl of 12 saying "I got an orange for Christmas!" as her papa lay dying of gangrene after the Battle of Fredericksburg

— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) June 18, 2024

Colonel being pronounced Kernel really bothers my spirit

— Mona Lisa (@ChefDomonique) May 24, 2020

I just found out that cauliflower waffles are a thing now and I just want to say that if anyone ever serves me a cauliflower waffle i will immediately call the police

— insta.single (@insta_single) March 1, 2021

We are on vacation with 2 children and 2 adults over 65. 85% of our time is spent searching for food or a bathroom.

— Dr. Glaucomflecken (@DGlaucomflecken) July 1, 2024

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

— Robert Schultz (@_RobertSchultz) August 17, 2021

wish I was one of those weirdos who likes to go for a run when they’re upset

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) June 9, 2024

Just bought pre-cut mangoes from Whole Foods like some sort of oil baron.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) June 8, 2024

Being a baby must be traumatizing at times. Imagine going to sleep in your house and you wake up at Target

— Andy Faris (@andyfaris) August 16, 2019

someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

— mariana Z (@mariana057) March 13, 2021

If anyone ever tells you it’s healthier to eat less cheese they are 100% just trying to get your cheese

— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) February 17, 2024

getting old isn’t about age. it’s about genuine excitement to go home and put on soft pants

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 6, 2024

getting so bored at work that i just start completing my assigned tasks

— Karli Marulli (@karlimarulli) June 21, 2024