20 Relatable Tweets From Funny Dad Simon Holland

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 15, 2017

Reached the age where sleeping with the wrong pillow feels like I fell out of a 12th story window.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 23, 2021

Just saved $18 by paying for shipping instead of trying to qualify for free shipping.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 1, 2021

I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2017

I hope my friends don’t find out I own a jacket.

-Middle Schoolers

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 19, 2019

Our parent’s washing machine: 30 years old, zero issues, works like the day they bought it.

Our washing machine: 3rd one in 5 years, breaks every 6 months, have to leave the door open because it stinks but came in a pretty color.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 6, 2021

I’ve reached the age where I respond to your 10:37 PM text at 6:05 the next morning.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 26, 2017

Opened the oven door after dinner was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that air.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 30, 2021

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl's cashier: You saved $439 today.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 18, 2021

The best cup of coffee is when you’re a parent on the weekend and you are the first one awake, the house is dark and quiet and it’s starting to rain. That is THE CUP OF COFFEE.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 6, 2021

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 10, 2022

Saw a group of ladies oohing and aahing over pics on a phone. I figured it was Jason Momoa but it turned out to be a new refrigerator. Middle age is wild.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 26, 2021

Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 5, 2021

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2021

Ok it starts at 9 so we need to be there by 8:45 which means we need to leave by 8:10 so we need to have breakfast by…and be ready by… which means we need to wake up at….

Shoutout to parents doing that backwards math this weekend

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 12, 2021

My wife is mad because she got an 89 on my daughter’s science quiz.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 28, 2020

Reached that age where everything I think happened 2-3 years ago really happened in 2003.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 10, 2021

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 5, 2022

A couple sat in the booth behind me and one of them said, “you want to go ahead and talk about it now and get it over with?” I haven’t been this excited in a long time.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 2, 2021

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 19, 2016