25 of the Funniest Marriage Tweets from Simon Holland

My wife: EVERYONE FINISH GETTING READY, WE NEED TO BE WALKING OUT THE DOOR IN 10 MINUTES!

Me: turns on shower

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 2, 2022

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 20, 2024

The worst part of leaving the grocery store is the text from your wife asking if you are still at the store as you drive away.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 8, 2023

Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019

Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 21, 2024

If you ever need to open an ice pop and you find a nice pair of scissors in your house that you’ve never seen before, definitely don’t use those. Trust me on this.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 20, 2022

You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 23, 2023

My wife and I share the household chores so we both do equal work. For example, I just folded a load of towels and then she re-folded them the “right” way.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 6, 2021

Stopped for a sec to see what my wife was watching and all of the sudden I’m 90 minutes deep into a show called Love is Blind.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 23, 2024

My wife just started measuring a wall in our house and I don’t know what she’s up to but its probably going to be expensive.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 14, 2021

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of a lazy Saturday morning we can panic because a sports uniform didn’t get put in the dryer.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 21, 2021

My wife just rolled over to me in bed and whispered, “I know it’s late but do you want to have cheese toast?” That, my friends, is how you keep the romance alive.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2021

Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 23, 2018

I didn’t realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning this many blankets.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 2, 2021

My wife brought home low sodium bacon and now I understand what it means when someone says they love you but they aren't IN LOVE with you.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 19, 2021

Here’s a marriage tip, if you need a new can opener just get a new can opener. Don’t give one to your wife for Christmas.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2022

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2022

My wife puts groceries on the conveyor belt like there may be an award for most organized.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 4, 2024

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 28, 2020

My wife is pretty bad at math until she starts explaining how much money she saved at Kohl’s.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 22, 2020

After many years of marriage, the one piece of advice I can give is this:

For some reason they just really like the towels folded in thirds.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2020

The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023

With her phone, laptop, and iPad all out I thought my wife was trying to get concert tickets but it turns out she was trying to be first on the class party signup so she could volunteer to bring plates and napkins.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 15, 2018

We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019

Me:
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 12, 2019