20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

— chase (@_chase_____) May 13, 2024

One thing I don't think we talk about enough is dogs lean too far out of car windows and I worry about them

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 27, 2017

So my mom has been watching Mama Mia on repeat for the past week but today she stepped it up a notch by somehow playing Mama Mia simultaneously on EVERY SINGLE TV in our house so as she walks around she can continue to watch and never miss a scene I can hear it from my bedroom

— Lukas Battle (@lukasbattle) June 9, 2018

Men pick their favorite sports team when they’re like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life

— pimp Z (@zabdydbaz) December 20, 2021

Someone brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts into work and told everyone to help themselves.

Someone else at work cut 1 of the KK doughnuts in half, because 'they couldn't manage a whole one.'

They walk amongst us.

— 𝐏𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 (@pearlylondon) May 15, 2024

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

— Linda (@turtledumplin) October 12, 2019

My boyfriend’s parents gave my dog high end dog food and now she’s on a hunger strike and won’t eat her normal kibble. Can not believe I’m really in a battle of wills with a 20 pound, crusty eyed white dog, named “Cupcake”

— Colleen (@Coll3enG) November 28, 2022

Why don’t they make a line of adult PEZ dispensers full of things like antacids and Advil?

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 4, 2024

My son just told his girlfriend to calm down.

Should I tell him or let him learn?

— Linda (@turtledumplin) May 1, 2024

I'm at the age where I won't make eye contact with someone because they look like a "talker".

— Kayla (@RebelWiACause) February 24, 2024

My kids are playing doctor’s office and the receptionist just said, “the doctor will see you in five seconds” and this is the least realistic game I’ve ever seen.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 24, 2024

Can anyone explain to me why every camp form asks for the contact information of my child's doctor? Call 911 if it's an emergency or else call me. What are you going to do—make an appointment for my child for next month?

— Laura Powell (@LauraPowellEsq) May 6, 2024

Going to bed, but first let me try to fix everything in the world with my mind

— donni saphire (@donni) October 10, 2022

My 5yo, to me: I WILL PROBABLY INVITE YOU TO ME WEDDING.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) May 4, 2024

Good news! My 8YO says she is halfway done with the story she started telling last Monday

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 22, 2024

I slipped on a banana peel that my toddler left on the kitchen floor and I thought this only happened in cartoons

— Parenting Presently (@presentparent_) February 13, 2024

When I was 22 I took my 21 yr/o roommate to the ER and when the doctor walked in he pointed at me and said "Mom?" so I responded "What about my mom?" and then he said "No, I mean are you her mom?" and I have never fully recovered from that moment.

— Joanna Hausmann Jatar (@Joannahausmann) January 13, 2022

There's nothing like forgetting where you parked your car… i'm pretty much a goldfish with a drivers license

— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) March 21, 2025

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 5, 2024

You know when you can't find your glasses because they're on your face?

I just panicked a little because I couldn't find my baby. pic.twitter.com/gbpN16hMhk

— Mckayla (@mckaylasbooks) May 9, 2024