Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
— lias (@lias__) September 29, 2019
#2
I dream of a day when paper-towel manufacturers just say how many rolls are in the package, and not how many hypothetical rolls would be in the package if they were some other hypothetical size.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) March 31, 2019
#3
my 5-year-old just told me, with a straight face, that he can’t bend over to pick up his toys because his back is getting too old
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) May 29, 2023
#4 Now I really want to know as well!!
Walked into the UPS to find an employee standing over a large open box, peering into its depths, muttering my god, we will ship anything.” Then he closed the box and taped it up in a fury like it contained horrors not imagined since Pandora. I must know what is in this box.
— Tyler Austin Harper (@Tyler_A_Harper) May 15, 2024
#5
[Runs into old school friend]
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 8, 2019
Him: hey you're that guy who held weird grudges
Me: And how is my eraser?
#6
(100 miles from exit)
— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018
Wife: You need to get in the right lane.
#7
Me, packing lunch for the 6 yo: What fruit do you want as a snack tomorrow?
— Panagis Galiatsatos, MD, MHS (@panagis21) May 14, 2024
6 yo: A large chocolate candy bar!!
Me: That isn’t a very healthy choice.
6 yo: But it’s a very happy choice!
Touché 🤦🏻♂️
#8
People complain about “adulting” but I just ate Toaster Strudel for dinner and now I’m going to bed at 8:00, so there are some perks.
— Burning Mom ⚡️ (@MomOnFire) March 5, 2024
#9
I never buy chips because then I’ll eat them, so instead I look in my pantry everyday and am disappointed that I don’t have any chips.
— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) August 27, 2018
#10
I yelled, "what are you doing!?" and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 8, 2021
#11
don’t mean to sound like a sickly victorian woman riddled with consumption but i do feel like a little trip to the seaside would fix me
— mar (@itsmariannnna) May 31, 2023
#12
Bye, see you all on Monday, I tell my 47 work tabs
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 3, 2024
#13
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) May 15, 2024
#14
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 20, 2023
#15
I have always smuggled snacks into movie theatres like I’m pulling off an elaborate heist without ever considering that a teenager working for minimum wage couldn’t care less that I brought my own sour patch kids
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) April 12, 2024
#16
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) March 14, 2023
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
#17
Gardening really changes your relationship with the natural world.
— Dr. Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) May 30, 2023
Like I’ve never yelled “if you come back here again I’ll kill you” at a bunny before today.
#18
Every Gen Xer has a childhood war story about getting stabbed with a pencil and the tip broke off
— Midge (@mxmclain) May 5, 2024
#19
True story: Harvard Business School rejected me in '91. When I got the news, I checked to see if they'd cashed my $100 application fee check. They hadn't, so I did a "stop payment". When they called, trying to collect, I suggested they could learn a business lesson from this. 😂
— John McCrea (@johnmccrea) June 30, 2023
#20
This is how you fold a fitted sheet. I'll be posting an instructional video shortly. pic.twitter.com/qeV42QKaq7
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) May 13, 2024
