Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great weekend!
Janene
#1
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
— Caitlin Canahai (@caitlincanahey) June 21, 2024
#2
I told a teenager today I used to get 10 CDs for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a CD was, what a penny is, or what the mail is or all three.
— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 21, 2024
#3 Now I really want to know as well!!
Walked into the UPS to find an employee standing over a large open box, peering into its depths, muttering my god, we will ship anything.” Then he closed the box and taped it up in a fury like it contained horrors not imagined since Pandora. I must know what is in this box.
— Tyler Austin Harper (@Tyler_A_Harper) May 15, 2024
#4
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
— lias (@lias__) September 29, 2019
#5
[Runs into old school friend]
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 8, 2019
Him: hey you're that guy who held weird grudges
Me: And how is my eraser?
#6
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, "don't worry, dad, I'm just grabbing a hammer." I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he's going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 31, 2021
#7
(100 miles from exit)
— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018
Wife: You need to get in the right lane.
#8
People complain about “adulting” but I just ate Toaster Strudel for dinner and now I’m going to bed at 8:00, so there are some perks.
— Burning Mom ⚡️ (@MomOnFire) March 5, 2024
#9
I never buy chips because then I’ll eat them, so instead I look in my pantry everyday and am disappointed that I don’t have any chips.
— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) August 27, 2018
#10
I yelled, "what are you doing!?" and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 8, 2021
#11
don’t mean to sound like a sickly victorian woman riddled with consumption but i do feel like a little trip to the seaside would fix me
— mar (@itsmariannnna) May 31, 2023
#12
Cop: you're going to prison for forgery
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 17, 2020
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
#13
"I don't get why you set so many alarms"
— Janel Comeau 🍁 (@VeryBadLlama) March 23, 2024
congrats on being able to rocket back to existence every morning but some of us have to be gradually raised from the depths like the remains of an ancient shipwreck being brought to the surface
#14
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 20, 2023
#15
Y’all ever try to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don’t hear you fighting for your life
— sweet dee (@deelalz) April 3, 2019
#16
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) March 14, 2023
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
#17
Every Gen Xer has a childhood war story about getting stabbed with a pencil and the tip broke off
— Midge (@mxmclain) May 5, 2024
#18
True story: Harvard Business School rejected me in '91. When I got the news, I checked to see if they'd cashed my $100 application fee check. They hadn't, so I did a "stop payment". When they called, trying to collect, I suggested they could learn a business lesson from this. 😂
— John McCrea (@johnmccrea) June 30, 2023
#19
6-year-old: Do dragons fart fire?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2019
Me: I don't know.
6: I thought you went to college.
#20
