20 Funny Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

— The Dad (@thedad) November 13, 2023

I know it happens every year, but I would bet my life that it's never gotten this dark this early before in my life.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 20, 2023

hydroflask this, stanley cup that. i need an upside down water bottle i can screw to the side of my bed and drink from at 3 am like a gerbil

— madimoiselle ♡ (@drivingmemadi) April 16, 2023

Shout out the person at a social event who’s the first to say they’re going home and breaks the seal for the rest of the guests to be like, “Guess we’ll head out too”

— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 21, 2021

me about my dog: my ride or die, number one, throw myself into the sun for them

my dog: i would run off with your murderer if they presented me with a cheez it cracker

— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) October 22, 2022

I introduced my dad to binge watching and half way through the 5th season of Breaking Bad he declared, 'This is the weirdest movie I've ever seen, it's so long.'

— smerobin (@smerobin) July 6, 2022

A very nice patient on the elevator complimented me on “looking like Hugh Jackman” so my month was off to an awesome start before they exited on the ophthalmology floor

— Mark Lewis, MD, FASCO (@marklewismd) October 1, 2024

credit card chip machines are like:

– DO NOT remove your card
– DO NOT – hey look at me – DO NOT remove your card
– take out your card immediately or I’m burning this place to the ground

— Sarah J. Hass (@tacko_belle) January 2, 2022

Signs of aging may include irrational anger at someone parked in front of your house

— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝘀. (@im_all_id) March 10, 2022

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 8, 2023

bought the kids some candy today while out and it was my wife's favorite. I didn't get her any because she's on a yoga and healthy eating kick. Apparently that did not mean don't buy her candy and does anyone have a place for me to live now?

— Dadman Standing (@dadmann_walking) July 29, 2021

"Don't you people have jobs?" — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I'm driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

— Ben Boven (@benboven1) May 20, 2024

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) May 10, 2024

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 2, 2023

I’ve been binging Grey’s Anatomy for a month and I’m gonna be honest w you- I feel ready to scrub in on a Whipple

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 2, 2024

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️🇨🇦 memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) May 7, 2024

My 11yo just screamed across the skatepark “MOM! DID YOU EVER GET OUR HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED? I WANNA DO A TRICK!”

— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) June 20, 2021

The hotel buffet has “breakfast wine”. Just when I was wondering what depraved person drinks sparkling wine at breakfast my wife came back with a glass…

— Hokkaido Dreamin'🇦🇺🇯🇵 (@dadsweb67) July 23, 2025

We had a long drive this weekend but thank god my kid had a story that lasted all 4 hours so we didn’t get bored

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 22, 2023

unfortunately wearing sunglasses immediately takes away both my vision and my hearing. as well as my depth perception and spatial awareness

— trish (@ultragloss) July 22, 2025