If you’re feeling like it’s already been a long week, take a little humor break with these 20 tweets that made me laugh.
Janene
#1
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. "Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?"
— Ashley Reisinger (@Awritesinger) April 22, 2023
#2
Buying frozen pizza is such a lie. “Oh I’ll save this for when I don’t feel like cooking”. Surprise, surprise. Day one. Don’t feel like cooking
— antipodean scourge (@guywhoiswoke) February 25, 2024
#3
hydroflask this, stanley cup that. i need an upside down water bottle i can screw to the side of my bed and drink from at 3 am like a gerbil
— madimoiselle ♡ (@drivingmemadi) April 16, 2023
#4
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) May 3, 2023
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
#5
Lol my 6th grader has to call his best friend’s grandma’s landline and is very unsure what to do if someone besides his friend answers.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 21, 2023
YES YOU HAVE TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THEM SON.
#6
I introduced my dad to binge watching and half way through the 5th season of Breaking Bad he declared, 'This is the weirdest movie I've ever seen, it's so long.'
— smerobin (@smerobin) July 6, 2022
#7
A very nice patient on the elevator complimented me on “looking like Hugh Jackman” so my month was off to an awesome start before they exited on the ophthalmology floor
— Mark Lewis, MD, FASCO (@marklewismd) October 1, 2024
#8
credit card chip machines are like:
— Sarah J. Hass (@tacko_belle) January 2, 2022
– DO NOT remove your card
– DO NOT – hey look at me – DO NOT remove your card
– take out your card immediately or I’m burning this place to the ground
#9
Signs of aging may include irrational anger at someone parked in front of your house
— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) March 10, 2022
#10
Me: *buys a bra*
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 8, 2023
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
#11
bought the kids some candy today while out and it was my wife's favorite. I didn't get her any because she's on a yoga and healthy eating kick. Apparently that did not mean don't buy her candy and does anyone have a place for me to live now?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 29, 2021
#12
"Don't you people have jobs?" — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I'm driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
— Ben Boven (@benboven1) May 20, 2024
#13
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) May 10, 2024
#14
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 2, 2023
#15
I’ve been binging Grey’s Anatomy for a month and I’m gonna be honest w you- I feel ready to scrub in on a Whipple
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 2, 2024
#16
could y’all stay in the house for a whole week without stepping a foot outside for $100k?
— Lazzyyyyyy (@em_Lazzy) March 9, 2024
#17
My 11yo just screamed across the skatepark “MOM! DID YOU EVER GET OUR HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED? I WANNA DO A TRICK!”
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) June 20, 2021
#18
[walking somewhere]
— Birthday Kate 🎂 (@Kateness8) September 16, 2019
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
#19
We had a long drive this weekend but thank god my kid had a story that lasted all 4 hours so we didn’t get bored
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) February 22, 2023
#20
Coming out of my driveway earlier as the postman walked past.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 2, 2023
Postman: Are you 34?
Me: [slightly confused but flattered] 34? I’ve actually just turned 47!
Postman: I mean do you live at number 34. I have a parcel.
Now obviously I have to sell my house and move very far away.
