20 Funny Tweets For Some Midweek Laughs

Whenever I catch a whiff of Auntie Anne’s cinnamon sugar pretzel bites in the mall I get lifted up off of my feet and float towards the shop like a cartoon character smelling a pie on a windowsill

— natroyshka (@imniceandsmart) January 27, 2024

My sweet natured orange boi who loves all people and things and other cats has finally discovered a cat he hates with every fibre of his being and wants to fight to the death and now he attacks it every time he sees it and it is the cat who stares back at him from the mirror.

— Shiv Ramdas Buk Riter (@nameshiv) February 27, 2024

I’ve always talked to my kid exactly like any other adult. Mostly because it’s hilarious. But now I’m facing the consequences. I feel like I’m parenting an elderly man in a 5yo’s body.

He went over and just stood by the window and said somberly “There’s a cold front coming in.”

— Loppy Rae: Hurtsies on BackerKit! (@LoppyRae) December 28, 2023

If you offer me food and i say no, pls ask again i was just shy the first time 😅

— Rudra (@rudrakarale7) August 24, 2024

Being an adult is terrible but I thank God everyday that I don't have to randomly run a mile at noon against my will and then go on about my day like we did in school

— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) October 25, 2022

Really I’m pretty low maintenance, I just need 17 hours of alone time every morning, constant reassurance from everyone in my life that they’re not mad at me, and $150 worth of little treats every single day and I’m good to go

— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) October 8, 2024

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I'm having an affair.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 6, 2022

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

— trash jones (@jzux) March 24, 2024

Me: “It’s almost impossible to lose weight after the age of 40”

Also me: Does absolutely nothing that would lead to losing even one single pound

— Sam G (@ItsSamG) January 25, 2024

Today is prime shorts and hoodie weather. If you see a Midwesterner today give them a smile and a wave. This is what they live for.

— Midwest vs. Everybody (@midwestern_ope) October 7, 2024

It's a fact that if you ask your hubs to bring you something from your purse he will just bring you the entire purse.

— 📌𝕃 𝕒 𝕟 𝕖📌 (@lanechanged) January 27, 2024

I love joining a class action lawsuit. Hell yeah I've been wronged. Justice needs to be served. A surprise check for $26 in 6 years will make it right

— alexandra (@bigmoodenergy) January 23, 2024

I can tell how rich you are by how hard it is to find your kitchen garbage

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 21, 2024

Husband found a parking spot right in front of the packed aquarium today and immediately was like “this is a parking spot you’ll remember forever” and has managed to talk about it all day. Has also said “how about the parking spot though” about 30 times so far

— kourtney (@kourtneyinhell) June 24, 2024

me: finally getting eight hours of sleep

my neck: yeah but u did it wrong lol

— Jenni (@hashjenni) January 20, 2024

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

— gabriella (@_000011111111) September 16, 2024

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

— Midge (@mxmclain) September 8, 2023

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as "skydiving accident", "temporary blindness" and finally my personal favorite "cartwheel incident"

— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) April 6, 2022

"What are your dogs' names?"

Me: "Calvin and Klein."

"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

— PUNS (@ThePunnyWorld) October 9, 2024

You think you’ve seen it all and then your 13-year-old blind beagle throws up the French flag in the middle of the night. pic.twitter.com/iNfywwHVfF

— Dr. Mike McClelland 🌈 (@magicmikewrites) February 15, 2024