The women of Twitter never fail to make me laugh with funny and relatable quips.
Here’s a quick little round-up of some of my favorite tweets from women this week.
Hope these bring some smiles to your day!
Janene
#1
Wednesday evening giggle..
— karen thompson (@karenfthompson) August 7, 2024
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that's not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren't getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I'm going to need an ambulance.
🤣🤣🤣
#2
I accidentally brought a ladybug into the laundromat with me. When she fell off my cart or my shoulder or wherever she was perched, a woman jumped up to stomp her and I panicked and screamed “STOP SHE’S MINE!” And now I gotta figure out how to get us both out of here.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 5, 2024
#3
Stages of morning:
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) August 5, 2024
1. Don’t talk to me, I haven’t had coffee.
2. Don’t talk to me, I’m drinking my coffee.
3. Don’t talk to me, the coffee kicked in and I have work to do.
#4
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There's no way to tell.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) August 9, 2024
#5
Don’t ask me why, but the older you get the more you love having the house to yourself.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) August 7, 2024
#6
Olympic skateboarding commentators be like “There’s the slippery salmon into a snickerdoodle flip, then a perfect goblin grind and just LOOK at that beautiful 360 didgeridoo”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 7, 2024
#7
guy jogging behind me on a narrow sidewalk just shouted “right behind you!” and then paused for a second and added “non-threatening!” lol
— zou bisou bisou where are you (@lilgrapefruits) August 8, 2024
#8
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
— eLeni (@eleniZarro) August 10, 2024
#9
i am "the parents would leave the phone number of the restaurant when i was babysitting" years old.
— emily may (@emilykmay) August 9, 2024
#10
I posted a hall tree for free in my Buy Nothing group and nobody wants it but everyone is heart reacting like “aw you poor baby you’ll never get rid of this hall tree” and I’ve never been so embarrassed and ashamed in my life.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 5, 2024
#11
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
— Meg (@megannn_lynne) August 5, 2024
#12
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) August 6, 2024
#13
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
— everybody log off (@oldlinds) August 4, 2024
#14
You should get to leave work early if you feel a chin hair
— Sophie Ross (@SophRossss) August 9, 2024
#15
There are two kinds of people in this world, those who have vacation constipation, and those who have vacation diarrhea, and they marry each other
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 8, 2024
#16
“OK, THAT’S IT. YOU HAVE LOST YOUR SCOTCH TAPE PRIVILEGES!” I announce loudly up the staircase to whoever can hear me because motherhood turns you into a lunatic.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 9, 2024
#17
Honestly, whenever I say “the other day” it could be anytime between two days ago and sometime in 1996
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) August 6, 2024
#18
Sorry for what I said when it was like, super humid outside
— Brunette Bohemian (@Jane_Doe82) August 9, 2024
#19
When I was in high school, my teacher brought his young son into work with him.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) August 5, 2024
Girl in class: What’s your son’s name?
Teacher: Ask him!
Girl: Hi Askhim!
To this day, I still randomly think about it and laugh.
#20
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
— Heather (@heatherjs) August 5, 2024
