The women of Twitter never fail to make me laugh with funny and relatable quips.
Here’s a quick little round-up of some of my favorite tweets from women this week.
Hope these help you start the weekend off with some smiles!
Janene
#1
“Live your best life,” I say as I climb into my bed at 8:30 p.m. with a good book, a chocolate bar, and freshly changed sheets.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) April 27, 2024
#2
why do supermarkets have cheese in so many places, here’s the fancy cheese, here’s the ok cheese, here’s the auxiliary cheese display like please..no more riddles
— laura vincent (@HungryandFrozen) May 4, 2024
#3
Do you panic that you’re choosing the wrong answer during an eye exam or are you normal.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 28, 2024
#4
going to TJ Maxx. does anyone need any new clothes and/or gourmet pasta shells?
— regular david (@OrdinaryAlso) April 30, 2024
#5
i don’t use airbnb bc if i wanted to do chores i’d do them at my own house.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) May 2, 2024
#6
Y’all, this woman’s neighbor’s cat got her cat pregnant and so now she randomly gets drop offs of cat food with the words “Child Support” tape to the bag.
— ✨Kei$ha✨ (@GlamazonJay) May 3, 2024
#7
My workout goals are simple: I'd just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) May 2, 2024
#8
Lmao why would the Amazon driver throw my package at my door. The delivery picture show the package still in the air 😂😂😂
— Brie 🪷 (@briellegenae) April 27, 2024
#9
I hate when I eat the last m&m in the bag without realising. Like, I needed to mentally prepare myself for that moment
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) April 29, 2024
#10
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like "that was so easy, I will do this every day" and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) May 1, 2024
#11
we’re a species that burns their mouths repeatedly on hot pockets how are we not extinct.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) April 30, 2024
#12
I’m just a girl standing in front of my fridge hoping a cheesecake will appear
— Taco Biscuits (@bgschnikelfritz) April 29, 2024
#13
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) May 1, 2024
#14
A mom I know procrastinated on choosing a name for her newborn son for so long that the government office emailed her that if she doesn't register him in 72 hours they're just gonna assign him a random name.
— Made in Cosmos ✨ (@made_in_cosmos) April 29, 2024
Anyway now I'm curious what a random government-assigned name could be.
#15
“I'm worth it" I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks
— Midge (@mxmclain) April 28, 2024
#16
Once all social media gets banned I'm gonna start peddling my jokes door to door
— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) April 28, 2024
#17
What’s something that was only at your friends’ houses when you were growing up, but never at yours?
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) May 3, 2024
I’ll go first: Capri Sun.
#18
Instead of “happy hour” I wanna go to a “grievance hour” where the drinks and appetizers are half price and everyone steps up to the microphone but instead of karaoke they complain about their lives
— Grip Bayless💕 (@talleyberrybaby) May 3, 2024
#19
After age 30 do we keep all clothes in case they fit again forever? Asking for a friend.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) April 30, 2024
#20
Modern day appliances be like yes, we do not work as well, but! We DO beep MORE.
— Darby Stouffer (@DarbyStouffer) May 1, 2024
#21
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) May 4, 2024
#22
I would like things to spiral into control once in a while.
— Mad Hatter Mommy!!! (@MadHatterMommy) May 3, 2024
#23
So… I take the Amtrak in and out of NY every week. Inbound, I always come out on the old Penn Station side, and SOMETIMES I'll stop and grab 2 plain glazed a Krispy Kreme.
— Naima Cochrane (@naima) April 29, 2024
So today the lady asks me if I wanna be a Krispy Kreme rewards member, and I had to spend like 4.5 mins…
#24
Just at the airport and there’s a woman chasing around and shouting after her toddler
— Danni (@danni_ox_) May 4, 2024
Alan
The toddler is called Alan
#25
date: your glasses make you look smart
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) May 2, 2024
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so