25 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

Delta is asking people to voluntarily bump themselves and take the next flight. The current offer is $1,000. My demand is $765 million plus signing bonus and an escalator clause.

— Kelley Franco (@threeinningfan) December 11, 2024

one time recently i said i wanted to make our house smell good and my boyfriend said “okay i’ll do some research”

— Maizie ⭐️ (@maizie_star) December 12, 2024

Target be like spend $30,000 and get a $5 gift card with target circle ❤️🫶🏽

— bria celest (@55mmbae) December 10, 2024

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

— Kristen (@Kica333) December 8, 2024

The Dentist said I need a crown. I was like, “I know, right?”

— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) December 12, 2024

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) December 14, 2024

“i read 20 books this year” that’s nothing. i read 50,000 tweets

— trash jones (@jzux) December 9, 2024

Sorry I missed your call when I pressed decline

— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) December 10, 2024

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) December 12, 2024

Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in a store checkout camera and it ruined your day a little bit?

— Kristen (@Kica333) December 11, 2024

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

— ً (@sonoreid) December 11, 2024

having a sister is so much fun like i can just facetime her and be like Hi I’m eating an english muffin right now and she’ll be like No way me too that’s wild and then we talk for 3 hours

— latke (@latkedelrey) December 8, 2024

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) December 11, 2024

Everyone’s a gangster until it’s time to pronounce worcestershire sauce.

— BOOP (@Bootyfuluni) December 12, 2024

I wish work had let us know we’d be taking headshots at the holiday party before I came in dressed like a lost victorian child pic.twitter.com/P63tBmH8ye

— asherah (@e_asherah) December 12, 2024

it is 8am, the woman next to me in the Philadelphia airport just ordered five espresso martinis. greatest city on earth

— Frances Patano (@FrancesPatano) December 7, 2024

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

— Jacquelyn🍒 (@Jacq_inabox) December 12, 2024

Any time I have ever uttered the phrase “no worries” I have been lying. There are many worries.

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 13, 2024

Please don’t ask me if I’m ready for Christmas. I’m not even ready for tomorrow.

— Kristen (@Kica333) December 13, 2024

Don’t you hate spelling errors! Mix up a couple of letters and your whole post is urined.

— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) December 13, 2024

mum asked me if i wanted some lemons from her tree. i said yes so she brought me 45 lemons. what am i supposed to do with 45 lemons pic.twitter.com/KjrTEJN7VD

— Roxy (@RoxyTall) December 8, 2024

Not being able to teleport is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me

— helia (@ItsEliane) December 13, 2024

I’m convinced that if I ever actually caught up on all my laundry my clothes wouldn’t fit in my closet

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 7, 2024

this happened at my nieces and nephews
Christmas performance last night and it was too funny not to share😭😭 WHO is this diva??!! pic.twitter.com/b6fDu9jKAI

— Kat Dunn (@itskathryndunn) December 13, 2024