The 25 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 27, 2024

My kids were playing a story podcast on my phone and my son asked if I’d listened to that story when I was little. I reminded him that we didn’t have podcasts when I was a kid and he said, “oh, I know. I meant maybe someone told it around a campfire.”

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 1, 2024

I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 2, 2024

I’m gonna say no to everything today.

— my 5yo really setting the tone for the day

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) April 28, 2024

I was struggling to take off the lift 'n' peel seal from our syrup, and my 6yo looked up at me like, "hmmn I thought you went to the gym." I can't believe this person lives rent-free in my house.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 27, 2024

Taylor Swift writes a 31 song album and I’m struggling to reply to an email at work for something I’m a subject matter expert on.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 29, 2024

Someone in my due date group asked what are your January babies doing for chores and I think she’s totally serious. What is my 15 month old doing for chores?? Being a baby

— Nov ♡ (@shivermevembers) April 29, 2024

An underrated parenting hack is that kids love branding. My 3yo won't drink milk when I offer it except when I say "here's your cold, fresh milk"

— sarah (@sarahradz_) April 29, 2024

My 10 y/o son has a lot of friends who show up on our doorstep but by far my most fave lil dude has got to be the one who always appears holdin a fistful of ham

— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) April 30, 2024

Youngest daughter was in a science contest a few weeks back. She got first place. Today she hands us a paper saying the school winners were invited to the district contest. The contest is today. And she told us about it at 4:50pm. Start time was 5pm.

— Tre James (@TiricoHairline) May 2, 2024

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 1, 2024

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) May 1, 2024

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 2, 2024

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) May 1, 2024

Parenting experts never warn you that one day you'll offer to let your son borrow one of your ties to match the suit he's wearing for prom and he'll respond by asking you if you have anything that's not from the 1900s

— 🌜🤷‍♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) April 29, 2024

I took my 6yo to softball practice and then realized it was canceled. My 6yo smiled at me, "Well, look at that, we yelled at each other for nothing."

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 30, 2024

I asked a middle child who was watching my kid’s soccer what activities she does and she said “I do A LOT – I go to my brother’s baseball my other brother’s swimming and my brother’s hockey and my other brother’s soccer…”

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 29, 2024

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 2, 2024

My 8-year-old got his expander and braces taken off and he’s supposed to wear a retainer at night. He lost the retainer by Day 3, and I told him to find it because I’d rather not pay for another one. He looked startled and said “We PAY for this stuff??”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 28, 2024

Sorry I’m late, my child wanted it to be Friday, not Wednesday, and I can’t bend space and time

— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) May 1, 2024

My 8 year old asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 29, 2024

My 9yo told me I was beautiful, and then under her breath I heard her whisper, “I swear it’s true. I swear it on my underwear.” So I know she really means it.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) May 1, 2024

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 2, 2024

My 8 year old did not have school today and so she came to the law school.

Halfway through a class that I am teaching, she silently holds this sign in front of her. pic.twitter.com/iKpNd1Uu96

— Victoria Haneman (@TaxLawProf) April 26, 2024

The toddler got the best of me. I assumed there wouldn’t be a wildflower seed mix packet in the toaster this morning when I heated the Eggo waffles. One must never assume. pic.twitter.com/oAHbguTykv

— Large Marge (@moej4prez) May 3, 2024