20 of the Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

7yo: who's that

me: that's Jesus' mom Mary

7yo: oh yeah Mary Christmas

me:

7yo: that's their last name

— meghan (@deloisivete) December 22, 2024

I was outside as my neighbor’s 4 year old went by on his new training wheel bike. He went about 20 feet, stopped, got off, took his water bottle from the holder and said, “I got to stay hydrated.”

— Michelle 🍎 (@michelleDbelle) December 26, 2024

My 4yo won’t tell me what he got me for
Christmas but he DID say “it’s NOT a bird feeder” so I do have suspicions it might be a bird feeder.

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 22, 2024

Finding out that my 9yo has been emptying sand from his shoes into a bucket every time he gets back from the park has really helped answer the question: why is there a bucket of sand behind the couch

— meghan (@deloisivete) December 26, 2024

my 3yo already hates being perceived while trying something new, he just asked me to "give him some privacy" while he tried to figure out how to buckle the bottom part of his car seat.

— emily may (@emilykmay) December 22, 2024

Me: The 40s aren’t so bad, I still feel pretty good.

Also Me: Wow I really should’ve stretched before wrapping presents last night.

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) December 22, 2024

My kid just walked into the kitchen, served himself a plate of whipped cream and nothing else, and walked back out, so now he's my life coach until the new year

— meghan (@deloisivete) December 27, 2024

0-degree wind chills today so kids are wearing their heavier shorts.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 27, 2024

My 4yo just asked for a snack and I said “you just had breakfast, though, and you didn’t finish it” and he goes “I can be hungry at different times, you know” How can I argue with that to be fair

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 23, 2024

12: How do they know Santa wants milk and cookies? What if he wants a Taco Bell combo?

Me: Solid point.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) December 25, 2024

Declined stepping on the scale at the doctor’s office because no one needs that kind of negativity in her life.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) December 27, 2024

I walked into a holiday party, saw someone else already playing with the dog, and realized they’d stolen my entire social strategy.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 24, 2024

[December 26th]

Child: I'm bor-

Me: Don’t you dare finish that sentence.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 26, 2024

My mom has 37 pillows on her guest bed and none of them are comfortable

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) December 22, 2024

Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) December 27, 2024

I'm pretty bad at math until the appetizers get to the table.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 27, 2024

when i was a kid that norad santa tracker was the most convincing evidence in the world to me that santa was real. i literally got into a fight with my friends about it when i was 6 or 7 bc i was like “do you seriously think the military would lie to us”

— zoë rose bryant (@zoerosebryant) December 24, 2024

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 24, 2024

The internet is so addicting like why am I watching what treats are safe for ducks at 3 in the morning when I have no ducks

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 23, 2024

My kid has been denying Santa Claus for a few years now but I just haven’t had the heart to give in. He probably thinks I’m insane by this point. Anyway, to shut me up, he insisted on setting up a camera last night. BUT HE DIDN’T COUNT ON DADDY’S FILM DEGREE. pic.twitter.com/mKJSsM1dkd

— Kris Tapley (@kristapley) December 25, 2024