20 Funny and Relatable Posts About Married Life

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

— emily may (@emilykmay) August 24, 2023

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) June 25, 2023

When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 10, 2023

Mom grocery shopping alone: $130

Mom grocery shopping w/ kids joining: $175

Mom grocery shopping w/ kids & husband joining: $4085

— floorboard (@StruggleDisplay) June 16, 2023

I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 12, 2021

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) July 7, 2023

My friend told me that while his wife was out of town, he and his kids reorganized the kitchen and bought a new living room couch. He thought it would be a fun surprise. I’ll miss that dude.

— The Dad (@thedad) July 27, 2023

The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

— The Dad (@thedad) July 2, 2023

"I just refilled our bathroom's soap pump, the same day I noticed it was empty…"

-Me, flirting with my wife

— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) June 23, 2023

I opened a new box of cereal before finishing the old one.

My wife hasn't noticed yet.

I'm living on borrowed time.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 23, 2023

I asked my husband for help putting the laundry away so naturally he’s across the house hanging shelves I asked him to hang 8 months ago.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 19, 2023

On the next "Unsolved Mysteries" my wife and I investigate how there aren't enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) July 25, 2023

wife said she she only likes "the plain doritos" and i said Do you mean nacho cheese or cool ranch? and she said Just the plain ones and i said Do you mean tostitos? and she said No i mean plain doritos. what is happening. what is going on.

— bobby (@bobby) July 13, 2023

I’ve been with my husband so long that I can sense what he is looking for and tell him which very obvious spot to find it in without him ever speaking a word.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) July 15, 2023

You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 23, 2023

My wife just bought a ladder. Have I outlasted my usefulness?

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) September 4, 2023

Snuck up behind my husband at the pharmacy and sweetly put my head on his shoulder. He turned around with a straight face and said, “Ma’am, please respect my personal space. I won’t ask again.” The whole line glared at me.

He thought it was hilarious.
Vengeance is mine.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 2, 2025