20 of the Funniest Marriage Tweets in July 2023

My marriage is pretty solid as long as my wife doesn’t figure out how to put Ikea furniture together by herself.

— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) July 3, 2023

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 19, 2023

Husband: Good morning.
Me, who couldn’t sleep all night because of his snoring: Is it?

— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) July 11, 2023

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 10, 2023

Marriage comebacks are like, “Well, at least I wasn’t the one who left the ranch dressing out on the counter last night.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 27, 2023

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) July 11, 2023

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.

I replied, "That's 15 love."

— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) July 7, 2023

My friend told me that while his wife was out of town, he and his kids reorganized the kitchen and bought a new living room couch. He thought it would be a fun surprise. I’ll miss that dude.

— The Dad (@thedad) July 27, 2023

If you like a person to show up and block the kitchen sink every time you’re using it, you may want to consider getting married

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 25, 2023

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

— The Dad (@thedad) July 2, 2023

My wife made plans for us to go out tonight and the plans start at 8pm. What am I, 28?

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 5, 2023

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

— Laura is never ready (@ericamorecambe) July 27, 2023

I asked my husband for help putting the laundry away so naturally he’s across the house hanging shelves I asked him to hang 8 months ago.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 19, 2023

On the next "Unsolved Mysteries" my wife and I investigate how there aren't enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) July 25, 2023

wife said she she only likes "the plain doritos" and i said Do you mean nacho cheese or cool ranch? and she said Just the plain ones and i said Do you mean tostitos? and she said No i mean plain doritos. what is happening. what is going on.

— bobby (@bobby) July 13, 2023

I’ve been with my husband so long that I can sense what he is looking for and tell him which very obvious spot to find it in without him ever speaking a word.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) July 15, 2023

You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 23, 2023

Anyone else get mad when they overhear their husband on a work call? Like where is this happy, energetic, social person when I want to talk to him?

— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) July 25, 2023

My wife stepping out of a shower she claims was lukewarm pic.twitter.com/O48qDk1GAw

— The Dad (@thedad) July 17, 2023

My husband took the toddler to get some groceries at Walmart (his idea!) while I stay home with the baby and have some peace and quiet. So sweet & thoughtful. 🥺🥰

Anyway we just got off the phone re: clarification of the grocery list for the 5th time

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 9, 2023