Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across this month.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
This older man came thru work today and ordered his wife a latte.. I asked him hot or iced, and he paused.. “give me both and I’ll drink the one she doesn’t want…”
— Jen (@brokemycoccyx) September 2, 2024
And that’s on 43 years of marriage.
Well played, Sir.
#2
Told my wife it's been 4 days and my wrist still smells like the cologne I tested. She gave me a long, blank stare and said, "You sprayed your watch band, that's what you're smelling" in case anyone was wondering who has the brains in our relationship
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) September 24, 2024
#3
When I tell my husband I need two minutes, I mean two football minutes—so, like, 20 minutes, a timeout, and maybe a snack break.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 23, 2024
#4
There are people who think the sell by date means the item is still good after that date, and there are people who think it means you have to throw it away that day, and they marry each other and fight about it constantly.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 1, 2024
#5
Whenever the Seahawks win, I always causally say to my (big fan) husband "oh it must be because you brought me breakfast in bed this morning" or "huh they won the last time you vacuumed the car, too" and then I just sit back and relax
— sarah (@sarahradz_) September 23, 2024
#6
I’m in a bad mood and watching my husband load the dishwasher incorrectly. What could go wrong
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 6, 2024
#7
BREAKING: Jeff Bezos has been dethroned as the second richest person on the planet, despite my wife's daily efforts to get him to #1.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 18, 2024
#8
Husband: can I have a taste?
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) September 24, 2024
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
#9
Scary Halloween costume idea for my wife:
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 25, 2024
Just walking around with a tape measure asking if this is a load bearing wall.
#10
My husband found my hiding spot for my treats and ate some of my Reese's peanut butter cups, and this is how my villain origin story begins.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 4, 2024
#11
My wife bought me home gym equipment 3 years ago and complained that I never used it.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 6, 2024
Now that I use it, she still complains saying stuff like “Why do you take too long?”, “You’re doing this daily?” and “The bench is not meant for eating Kit Kats”.
#12
I’m at my desk and my wife just answered the door. A roof salesman just asked if she is the homeowner and she said yes. He then asked if she had a spouse 😳. She said yes. Then he said “can I ask when he will be home so we can talk to him?” 😳😳 😳This isn’t going to end well.
— James Bramble (@BrambleJim) September 8, 2024
#13
One person in a marriage gets to the airport extra early and the other person gets into the shower two hours before his flight is supposed to leave and gives the first person anxiety
— meghan (@deloisivete) September 6, 2024
#14
why don't wedding vows include important stuff like how throw pillows will play a significant role in your life for the next 45 years
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 10, 2024
#15
Me: [eating corn on the cob]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 11, 2024
Wife [across the table]: This relationship would have gone differently if you had corn on the cob on our first date.
#16
I made a photo album of all the pictures of grocery store items I've taken. It's for my wife and titled "You mean this?"
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 19, 2024
#17
No one is filled with more false confidence than my husband is when he declares, "I'll fix that. It'll just take me a few hours."
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 8, 2024
#18
I don't like the person I become when I ask my husband to do something and he tells me he’ll “do it later.”
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) September 4, 2024
#19
I just found out a married couple I know doesn’t have assigned cars. Like they have 2 cars.. but one isn’t his and hers… they just wake up every morning and grab whatever set of keys and go??? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard in all my lives????
— Ashland (@BravesAshland) September 5, 2024
#20
My husband always orders two desserts to taste and gives me the one I like best. I think he read the fine print on this marriage.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 16, 2024
