Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across this month.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
once my dad asked what my mom wanted for xmas. "a new vacuum." office ladies asked him what he was getting his wife for xmas. "she asked for a vacuum." "you cant give her a VACUUM!" convinced. he buys her diamond & sapphire earrings. xmas morning: "thx but….what abt the vacuum"
— sympathetic opposition (@sympatheticopp) July 23, 2024
#2
To accommodate the size of my wife's new water bottle we've replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 10, 2024
#3
A hack is to write out a todo list and put it somewhere your husband can see. Husbands cannot resist a list. They crave completing a list. Our walls have had a stain on them for MONTHS, wrote it on a list and all the sudden my husband has cleaned it. It’s been an hour since List.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 25, 2024
#4
my wife thinks just because these shorts have 2 holes in them that I should throw them away. She doesn't understand that I have new lounge around the house shorts now. They've been promoted.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 4, 2024
#5
Husband built a fire in the firepit then stared at it with his hands on his hips for 5 mins and said “fire is so sick. cavemen must’ve been so pumped”
— kourtney (@kourtneyinhell) July 23, 2024
#6
Babe it’s my emotional support invisible brake pedal on the passenger side of the car.
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) July 10, 2024
#7
My wife saw in the neighborhood Facebook group people talking about a strange man hanging around and it was a picture of me
— josh (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) July 18, 2024
#8
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) July 13, 2024
#9
Today, my husband learned that bras don’t go in the dryer. He'd tell you himself, but he's still locked out of the house.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2024
#10
My husband fell out of the boat and now we’re arguing as to whether my gasp was out of fear for him or the excitement about a hefty life insurance payout
— LorazeKim ™ 🏴☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🏁 (@_KimberleyAnna) July 4, 2024
#11
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
— The Only Living Dead Girl in New York (@missjellinsky) July 17, 2024
#12
A gender reveal but it’s me and my husband opening up the speed trap camera ticket to see who was behind the wheel
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 5, 2024
#13
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) July 7, 2024
#14
Sitting my husband down after a week apart for a little presentation of all the internet videos I saved for him to watch
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 24, 2024
#15
A tracking device to find your husband when he goes off to get something in the supermarket and disappears.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) July 27, 2024
#16
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
— Jasmine Crowe-Houston (@jasminecrowe) July 2, 2024
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time.
#17
Wife accidentally fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping in the garage tonight.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) July 18, 2024
#18
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) July 15, 2024
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked "Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"
I replied "Get lost, I'm not falling for that again".
#19
nobody:
— (kate’s version) 🪻 (@xkrdx) July 25, 2024
my husband: we should toss that mop bucket it’s been sitting in the same place for 6 months
me, who mops the floors multiple times throughout the week and then puts the mop bucket back in the same place:
uh….. No? pic.twitter.com/L38waB31ha
#20
My wife has written my name on my train picnic sandwich. I am 54 years old. pic.twitter.com/JEdIdZoUPb
— Jason Westerman #MDANT (@westyjase) July 25, 2024
