Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across in February 2024.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
My wife said we need to “evaluate the garage” so there goes my weekend
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 24, 2024
#2
My husband and I tell each other I love you more and then roll over to the edges of our bed as far away from each other as possible.
— Disheveled Mom (@wittysnuggles) February 17, 2024
#3
Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 1, 2024
#4
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 14, 2024
Last night I threw a tantrum because we ran out of ocean salt facial scrub and are running low on the mango scented pumice stone.
#5
One of the dads at my daughter’s birthday party told me he’s introverted and I thought “Oh perfect, I should introduce you to my introverted husband!” but then quickly realized why no one would thank me if I did
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) February 5, 2024
#6
My husband is helping with the chores by sweeping out the garage even though that’s literally never been on my To Do list, but good job, babe.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) February 12, 2024
#7
[Recent romantic conversation with my wife]
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 9, 2024
Me: Hey babe.
My wife: Did you wash the dishes?
#8
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I'm not sure she knows I'm coming with her.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 20, 2024
#9
husband: do you know where the thing is
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 25, 2024
me: can I buy a noun
#10
My husband just said, 'I guess you’re always right!' and I, for one, am happy to hear him finally acknowledge it.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 15, 2024
#11
Wife: Finally, a weekend getaway for just the two of us!
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 22, 2024
Also my wife: Are you going to breathe like that for the entire trip?
#12
Waiting for my husband to leave on his run so I can crack open a pint of ice cream. Marriage is all about balance.
— Mumnipotent Ruler (@MumOfTw0) February 26, 2024
#13
My wife and I shopped for a couch today and got divorced by lunch time.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 24, 2024
#14
My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 15, 2024
#15
My husband isn’t the average husband who stands in the way of a kitchen drawer. He’s able to block a person’s path EVERY single time they change direction in a kitchen.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) February 23, 2024
#16
I grabbed my husband through the shower curtain, and he screamed like a six-year-old girl. I promised I’d never do it again, but let’s be honest, we all know I will.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 8, 2024
#17
Yesterday my wife and I can assembled an IKEA bookshelf without rage turning the screws so today we’ll graduate as valedictorians from our couples therapy
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 26, 2024
#18
I never get jealous when another man looks at my wife.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 26, 2024
However there's a certain fast-food establishment we will never go to again because the cashier made her laugh.
#19
Stopped for a sec to see what my wife was watching and all of the sudden I’m 90 minutes deep into a show called Love is Blind.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 23, 2024
#20
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) February 24, 2024
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
#21
My husband’s directions had me drive off a cliff in my dream last night so obviously I have to figure out how to work this into an argument today
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) February 21, 2024
#22
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 26, 2024
#23
On the next "Unsolved Mysteries:"
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 15, 2024
My wife and I investigate how there aren't enough hangers for the clothes we just washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
#24
Been married 11 years. 3 kids. Home. Vacations. A minivan. A good life. And yet despite all that my wife says this "good ice" machine I got her for our wedding anniversary remains "the greatest thing" I've ever done for her. pic.twitter.com/IRk50EDYrT
— Wajahat Ali (@WajahatAli) February 24, 2024
#25 Omg!!
Wife: “How’s work going?”
— Shooter McGavin (@ShooterMcGavin_) February 19, 2024
Him: pic.twitter.com/xJlnKQQccH
