Marriage: the sacred bond where two people vow to love, honor, and occasionally argue over the correct way to load a dishwasher.
Ready to dive into the humor of “for better or for worse”? Here are the funniest marriage tweets I came across this year.
Thanks for being here, and I hope you’ll stick around for more laughs in 2025!
Janene
#1
once my dad asked what my mom wanted for xmas. "a new vacuum." office ladies asked him what he was getting his wife for xmas. "she asked for a vacuum." "you cant give her a VACUUM!" convinced. he buys her diamond & sapphire earrings. xmas morning: "thx but….what abt the vacuum"
— sympathetic opposition (@sympatheticopp) July 23, 2024
#2
Told my wife it's been 4 days and my wrist still smells like the cologne I tested. She gave me a long, blank stare and said, "You sprayed your watch band, that's what you're smelling" in case anyone was wondering who has the brains in our relationship
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) September 24, 2024
#3
It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 2, 2024
#4
I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 9, 2024
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#5
My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 9, 2024
#6
When I tell my husband I need two minutes, I mean two football minutes—so, like, 20 minutes, a timeout, and maybe a snack break.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 23, 2024
#7
the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 1, 2024
#8
oh your husband’s a lawyer? well my husband is the head coach of an imaginary football team four months out of every year
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 3, 2024
#9
Listen up folks. When your partner is venting about a problem, it’s so so important to actually STOP AND ASK THEM if they want advice, comfort, a back rub, another kitty, a trip to the bookstore, or a solemn blood oath of vengeance
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) October 4, 2024
#10
It's my wife's job to tell me our exit is 2 miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is 2 miles away.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 7, 2024
#11
This is my final tweet. I accidentally used one of the “Holiday Towels” to dry my hands, and I’m going into witness protection before the wife gets home.
— Bad Mikey (@BadMikeyBad) November 25, 2024
#12
We ran into my wife’s close friend on our neighborhood walk which allowed me 45 minutes to stare at a fire hydrant.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 1, 2024
#13
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) July 15, 2024
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked "Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?"
I replied "Get lost, I'm not falling for that again".
#14
Today, my husband learned that bras don’t go in the dryer. He'd tell you himself, but he's still locked out of the house.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2024
#15
I saw my husband open the dishwasher and once he realized it was full of clean dishes he put his hands above his head and slowly backed away like he’d just tripped a wire on a bomb
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 21, 2024
#16
Wife accused me of stealing her élite moisturizer because I’ve been looking “way too dewy.” And guess what? She’s right. Stuff is a game changer that they’ve been hiding from us, boys.
— Joe Bernstein (@Bernstein) April 22, 2024
#17
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 8, 2024
#18
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I'm loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen "to get something."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 23, 2024
#19
I just found out a married couple I know doesn’t have assigned cars. Like they have 2 cars.. but one isn’t his and hers… they just wake up every morning and grab whatever set of keys and go??? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard in all my lives????
— Ashland (@BravesAshland) September 5, 2024
#20
In awe of how my wife will arrive in a new city and immediately seek out local ointments, textiles, a bolt of fine cloth etc. It's like travelling with a merchant from 16th century Antwerp
— John Phipps (@John__Phipps) November 9, 2024
#21
Me: If you could sleep with —
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ memoir now available! (@WillieHandler) May 7, 2024
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
#22
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) February 24, 2024
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
#23
Wife and I are watching Dexter and she’s scribbling in a notebook so I guess this is goodbye
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 11, 2024
#24
hate when my husband gives me some crazy directions like “i’m in the south west corner” it’s a costco parking lot i have no idea where i even am let alone what you mean by south or west
— amil (@amil) May 11, 2024
#25
My husband made those easy bake pillsbury crescent rolls this morning.
— Nimisha Barton (@NimishaBarton) January 1, 2024
Ladies and gentlemen, the crescent rolls: pic.twitter.com/yU5keyGY7M
