Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
I get annoyed when it takes longer than five seconds for a website to load on my phone like I didn't grow up dropping a roll of film off at the store and waiting five days to get pictures back.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 10, 2024
#2
Just introduced our single woman friend who has two miniature dachshunds to our single man friend who also has two miniature dachshunds – and now I feel like the second male lead in a niche Christmas rom com
— john sturgis (@sturgios) November 30, 2025
#3
I have to move my car and parallel park it into a spot opposite some workmen and honestly I would rather drive it directly into the sea
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) November 3, 2023
#4
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 21, 2024
#5
i love when people are able to introduce me to their grandparents using their insane made-up name in a 100% serious tone, “this is peeps and lolly.”
— emily may (@emilykmay) October 30, 2023
#6
Target be like spend $30,000 and get a $5 gift card with target circle ❤️🫶🏽
— bria celest (@55mmbae) December 10, 2024
#7
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
— Midge (@mxmclain) October 1, 2022
#8
My pal got pulled over in fog. The cop said “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog, sir?”
— Mike Batt (@Mike_Batt) December 1, 2025
Flustered, my mate says “I guess we put our foot on Mr Brakes and pull over into Mr Slow Lane, officer”.
The cop says, “No sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG?!!!” 😂
#9
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) December 12, 2024
#10
My kids’ favorite place to go shopping for toys is in the pile I just set aside for goodwill.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 25, 2019
#11
Didn't realize how few perks we have at the office til I said "we're allowed to listen to the radio on Friday!" to a new hire in a way that can be likened to a girl of 12 saying "I got an orange for Christmas!" as her papa lay dying of gangrene after the Battle of Fredericksburg
— McErin☘️ (@colleen_eileen) June 18, 2024
#12
When you invite me to something know I will say yes as I am a people pleaser but I will also cancel later as I am tired
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 3, 2023
#13
wearing glasses doesn’t mean you’re smart, i literally had to fail a test to get these.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) June 22, 2024
#14
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
— Bryan Johnson Blood Boy #37 (@bryanbloodboy37) March 15, 2024
#15
My son’s new landlord asked if I wanted a key to the house he will be sharing with three other 19 year old boys and I’ve never wanted anything less in my entire life.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) June 22, 2024
#16
getting so bored at work that i just start completing my assigned tasks
— Karli Marulli (@karlimarulli) June 21, 2024
#17
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
— єℓαιηє (@elainesim28) September 10, 2024
I asked her, "How small?"
She replied,
"Just you, me, and the principal.
#18
Doctor: “Ok, now just breathe normally”
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) December 7, 2024
Me: *immediately forgets how to breathe*
#19
I’ve never used a semicolon with 100% confidence.
— Jason, ex Inferis (@benedictsred) September 5, 2024
#20
Boss: What are you working on?
— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) December 4, 2023
Me: Ugh. Just trying to finish up before this deadline.
Boss: I'll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Christmas shopping]
#21
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) November 14, 2024
#22
my husband has just informed me that he is going to “get disgusting with it” this year in regards to eggnog consumption
— soggy broccoli (@soggybrocoli) December 5, 2024
#23
One thing about me is I’m probably gonna say hi to your dog before I say hi to you
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) December 4, 2024
#24
Shout out to the mom who signed up for paper plates within seconds of the class holiday party list going live
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 13, 2023
#25
I was buying a Christmas tree and I asked the helper if he thought the needles looked healthy enough to last until Christmas and he said “I really don’t know because I’m only 17.”
— erin chack (@ErinChack) December 2, 2024
