Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
— maddie, hot dog enthusiast (@damnitmadeline) May 31, 2024
#2
Fitted sheet being taken out of the dryer like “I have a secret :)” and the secret is your wet laundry wound up in it
— k (top 99% on OF) (@how_do_i_pdf) March 5, 2024
#3
The 3 year old was walking around having a conversation with a toy phone to her ear, and it was so cute until she ended the call with the words “and please get rid of him. Goodbye.”
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) November 16, 2019
Thoughts and prayers for the poor bastard who angered the Toddler Mafia.
#4
Asked my daughter what she thinks her dad does for a living and she said “he presses the laptop”
— Oré. (@Ms_Ore) June 28, 2023
#5
Being a cat must be hard because you have sharp pointy teeth and claws but can also be picked up and carried like a baby
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 15, 2024
#6
If you’ve ever wondered what’s possible with motherhood, today I found sweet potato in my pockets.
— Parenting Presently (@presentparent_) June 28, 2023
#7
This older man came thru work today and ordered his wife a latte.. I asked him hot or iced, and he paused.. “give me both and I’ll drink the one she doesn’t want…”
— Jen (@brokemycoccyx) September 2, 2024
And that’s on 43 years of marriage.
Well played, Sir.
#8
Remember, you’re never too poor to tell telemarketers you can’t talk because lunch is being served on the veranda. They don’t know.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) December 5, 2018
#9
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) March 29, 2020
#10
My kids were playing a story podcast on my phone and my son asked if I’d listened to that story when I was little. I reminded him that we didn’t have podcasts when I was a kid and he said, “oh, I know. I meant maybe someone told it around a campfire.”
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 1, 2024
#11
My toddler’s daycare apparently uses the “clean up” song. My husband and I discovered this yesterday when we started singing it and it activated our kid like she was a sleeper agent and she immediately started putting her toys away.
— Marie CCS (@Marie_ClySar) August 14, 2022
#12
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) October 29, 2022
#13
You never forget the sound of dial up internet.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) July 28, 2024
You just heard it didn’t you.
#14
— The Dalbo Dog (@Dalbodog) July 26, 2024
#15
How to pick your new couch color… pic.twitter.com/s9Vq5yWF9o
— Ab Gamble 🇨🇦 (@AbGamble1) June 18, 2024
#16
My 9yr old is at her first sleepover with her 2 best friends and she just tried to prank me pretending to be calling from Pizza Hut and trying to disguise her voice however she was FaceTiming me from her tablet 🤣
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) June 25, 2023
#17
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
— RandomSprint🧭 (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023
In my 30s: That's called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
#18
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) April 3, 2014
#19
#20
Am I supposed to buy this or not? pic.twitter.com/kvTy6fWxju
— No Context Brits (@NoContextBrits) July 31, 2024
