Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
I just told my husband in a VERY DISTRESSED tone that I stepped on a slug on my way back inside and I was barefoot and traumatized and he said to me
— emily may (@emilykmay) June 26, 2023
“RODRIGO??? DID YOU STEP ON RODRIGO?”
#2
The Olympics, the time where we watch physically glorious people do impossible things as we all sit on the sofa covered in crisps and shout at them to do better. Beautiful.
— TechnicallyRon (On all the platforms) (@TechnicallyRon) July 27, 2024
#3
I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.
— MonsterKing (@CerromeRussell) October 7, 2023
#4
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
— Deacon Blues (@DeaconBlues0) May 21, 2022
#5
ok but seriously and truly. there is no love like the love between a dad and the dog he said he didn’t want. mom and I had to drag him to look at a litter Tuesday. as in 2(two) days ago. today he goes “well he’s a water dog, might look at putting in a pool in for him.” SIR???
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) June 29, 2023
#6
It’s not a true driver’s license picture unless you look like all the happiness has been sucked out of your soul.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 15, 2024
#7
8 billion people on this earth and somehow I’m the best driver
— lysh (@emmons_alyshia) September 12, 2023
#8
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
— Joel Jeffrey (@joeljeffrey) July 25, 2024
#9
My husband threw away my leftover tater tots and I just don’t know how we move on from this.
— Stacey (@skittle624) November 3, 2019
#10
I asked my 5yr old daughter what she wants to be when she grows up and she said a dog catcher. I said you mean animal control? She said no I don’t wanna control the dogs, I wanna catch them, give them a hug and let them go. I just told my wife I’m considering a career change.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) December 17, 2020
#11
The very best part of being an adult is that nobody can make you go camping
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) July 26, 2024
#12
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) June 26, 2023
#13
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
— Mike (@Parentpains) November 3, 2022
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
#14
“The Bear” got me believing every restaurant worker is in the kitchen fighting for their lives while I’m peacefully eating my meal.
— nope (@PrinceHAK33M) July 25, 2024
#15
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) April 12, 2022
#16
There’s a church in town having a baked potato bar and book exchange night, and honestly, I think that might be enough to turn me Episcopalian.
— Laura (@LShalott) July 11, 2023
#17
Sorry, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I sat in a new chair.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 3, 2019
#18
Why do people say “dream job”? My dream is literally to not have to have a job.
— natalayhehoo (@highprobably1) July 13, 2023
#19
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 28, 2024
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
#20
Mike Brady bought their house with the money he made from inventing Zoom. pic.twitter.com/JBY7WaxhIF
— Super 70s Sports (@Super70sSports) July 25, 2024