Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
I made garlic bread last night and my grandson said, "The cheesoning on this bread is delicious!"
— Salted Onion 🐀 (@SaltedOnion) May 2, 2024
From now on, the cheese on top of food will be called 'The Cheesoning."
#2
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 1, 2024
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
#3
The longest drum solo in history was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 683 from LA to Tokyo.
— Daisy the Awkward Badass (@Chicago_Daisy) January 12, 2024
#4
5 looked at me for a while then said “mummy I think you should brush your hair” then she whispered to the cat “you’re beautiful just as you are” and went off to get herself a snack
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 18, 2022
#5
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
— Joseph Mullins (@josephmullins) February 14, 2023
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: "Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room." So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
#6
Welcome to your 50’s when talking to someone about your tomato plants is the highlight of your day
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) May 3, 2024
#7
i have terrible news to share that i've stopped using my phone 2 hours before i go to bed every night and it really does improve sleep and energy levels and has improved quality of life tremendously. i'm so sorry
— Steph Mui (@stephmui) December 30, 2024
#8
When I was a kid, I used to wonder why my granddad would just sit in his favorite chair and not do anything but stare in space but now I totally get it
— Trey (@treydayway) May 2, 2024
#9
why do people insist on giving directions to their bathroom. stop it, let me find my way. i want to open doors. what are you hiding
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 23, 2024
#10
my bank blocked my card because of a security threat. it was me, buying a mattress, at 2 am. i am my own biggest threat
— madimoiselle ♡ (@drivingmemadi) February 22, 2022
#11
Thought I blew my kids' minds when I told them about smoking/non-smoking restaurant sections but then my 8yo casually shrugged and said, "You could do anything in the 80's"
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 27, 2023
#12
Best friends are so crazy like wow this person would kill for me but also if I mispronounce a word in front of them they will make fun of me for it forever
— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) May 5, 2024
#13
'Shall I throw away these leftovers?'
— Lucy Worsley (@Lucy_Worsley) December 28, 2024
'No – it's best practice to put them in the fridge, leave them there for a week, and THEN throw them away.'
#14
There's nothing more embarrassing in life than getting up and bowling in front of people.
— Betty Botticelli (@Faungirl123) May 3, 2024
#15
Dads love to walk into the room when you’re watching TV and say “what’s this rubbish” and then just stand there in the corner and watch whatever it is until it’s over
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) December 23, 2023
#16
Finding out that my 9yo has been emptying sand from his shoes into a bucket every time he gets back from the park has really helped answer the question: why is there a bucket of sand behind the couch
— meghan (@deloisivete) December 26, 2024
#17
I cleaned my kid’s iPad screen and it’s like having cataracts removed
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 3, 2024
#18
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) January 10, 2024
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
#19
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) December 6, 2023
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
— Kristen (@Kica333) December 8, 2024
#20
my boyfriend and i aren’t big on pet names and occasionally opt for “beloved” or “sweetheart” but recently he’s been calling me Meatball Tony im afraid this is the one that’s really stuck
— Grace (@gracecamille_) January 10, 2025
