Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) October 3, 2024
#2
Don’t think I’ll be able to top meeting 4 dachshunds called Gary, Steve, Kevin and Dave in the park a couple of weeks ago, but I just met 2 schnauzer puppies called Sandra and Denise, which came a close second.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) April 30, 2024
#3
We told my 4yr old I was pregnant and she was NOT happy about it. After she cried in her bed she came downstairs hands on hips and asked in the most accusatory tone “And where exactly is this new baby gonna sleep?” like we were two teens who hadn’t thought this pregnancy through
— Mandalynns23 (@mandalynns23) October 10, 2024
#4
me: finally getting eight hours of sleep
— Jenni (@hashjenni) January 20, 2024
my neck: yeah but u did it wrong lol
#5
Y’all. I woke up with a headache and I hear my 9 year old son in the kitchen, so I asked him to bring me some water and an Aleve. He brings me some water AND A LEAF. When I tell you I have tears from laughing so hard.
— Nicole ✨ (@BombshellCole) November 9, 2024
#6
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
— Adrizzle 🇵🇸 (@36_chambuhz) May 22, 2024
#7
Right before she fell asleep, my 3 year old said “tomorrow I’m going to practice my new scream in the living room”
— neature vs norture (@chionogirl) October 7, 2024
#8
I love when you hand a dog a treat and they are like, thanks, I'll be having this in the other room. Excuse me.
— Kelly Collette (@KellyCollette) January 11, 2018
#9
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 20, 2018
#10
I love joining a class action lawsuit. Hell yeah I've been wronged. Justice needs to be served. A surprise check for $26 in 6 years will make it right
— alexandra (@bigmoodenergy) January 23, 2024
#11
Watched a dude carry a screaming toddler across the parking lot. He noticed me looking at him and said, "He's mine, I'm not stealing him." And then, before I could reply, he added, "If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn't be this one"
— MA LE BO (@Melo_Malebo) October 10, 2024
#12
Me “Help me your sister is trying to unbuckle!”
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) April 9, 2019
6yo “Hey sis! Stay buckled and we can have French Fries!”
Me “Don’t say that, I don’t have French Fries to give her.”
6yo “She’s buckled. Looks like you’re going to have to get us Fries. Not sure what else to tell you.”
#13
You think you're cool until you hear a recording of your voice.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) April 5, 2024
#14
I filled my gas tank tonight instead of waiting until tomorrow morning. I will wake up my own hero.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 16, 2020
#15
You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me."
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 19, 2024
Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."
#16
Things to remember when in the Midwest
— Midwest vs. Everybody (@midwestern_ope) January 8, 2025
1. If someone waves you through a 4 way stop, just go, it doesn’t have to make sense.
2. Chili is better on the second day.
3. “Living the dream” is a cry for help.
4. “Alright, welp” is a sign that it’s time to go.
#17
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said "Can I tell you something?"
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 10, 2024
#18
Whenever I catch a whiff of Auntie Anne’s cinnamon sugar pretzel bites in the mall I get lifted up off of my feet and float towards the shop like a cartoon character smelling a pie on a windowsill
— natalie (@imniceandsmart) January 27, 2024
#19
Me watching a film
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 17, 2022
1. Start watching
2. Wonder what I’ve seen one of the actors in before
3. Google actor
4. Go to IMDb/their Wikipedia page
5. Find out every detail of their entire life
6. Realise I’ve completely missed the plot of the film and have no idea what’s going on
#20
— Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken (@woofknight) May 24, 2024
