Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
Handing over my ID at the post office.
— Dave † 🇬🇧🏴🇺🇸🇮🇪🎸🎶 (@daveguitarjones) September 29, 2024
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
#2
I love the comments of recipes bc it's the only place you see "I give these cookies 1 star. I didn't have eggs so I used an iPhone charger and they came out horrible. I will not be making these again"
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) May 2, 2025
#3
I ate healthy today, so I expect a flat stomach by tomorrow
— Trey (@treydayway) September 27, 2024
#4
there’s a guy on this street near me with a parmesan stand (a bunch of giant wheels of parmesan that he cuts and weighs out and prices accordingly) and his sales approach is to wave a small piece of parmesan at approaching women and i am embarrassed to say that it works
— “paula” (@paularambles) March 28, 2024
#5
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said "nevermind" 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
— Khadijah A. Robinson (@dijadontneedya) April 12, 2024
#6
My 9yo just made a "protein shake" out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 19, 2018
I'm making him my new nutritionist.
#7
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) March 22, 2022
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
#8
love the vet. love to hear the staff keep saying “the patient” and it’s a lizard.
— brent (@murrman5) April 23, 2022
#9
DMV: Did you bring your fourth grade report card?
— Kristen (@Kica333) May 4, 2025
#10
Was my family excited about the hot dinner I spent two hours preparing? No. But did they eat it anyway and not complain because they love me? Also no.
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) May 18, 2022
#11
the adult version of a corn maze is just finding your way out of the back part of the dentist’s office after your dental assistant abandons you
— chase (@_chase_____) October 8, 2022
#12
If you ask your son to do a chore, there’s a 100% chance he will have to go to the bathroom first.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 13, 2022
#13
just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past 2 years
— Laura (@fairycakes) March 23, 2024
#14
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) January 4, 2025
#15
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named "Internet." I said no way, that can't be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we've been having this discussion.
— Brianne M. Kohl (@BrianneKohl) March 18, 2022
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
#16
No one:
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) April 19, 2024
My cat at 4:12 am: These curtains are stupid, I’m taking them down
#17
Me: Where’s the slime bud?
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 17, 2023
2: Right there.
Me: No, that’s the slime container…where’s the slime?
-A three-sentence horror story
#18
“Listen to your body”
— Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy) May 16, 2024
My Body: You slept weird so now your left knee hurts but probably some garlic bread could make you feel better
#19
I am going to sue the maker of these seals for intentional infliction of emotional distress. pic.twitter.com/Y1mxfjJSNL
— Julius Kim (@Julius_Kim) October 5, 2024
#20
Man sits by me on train.
— Paul Watson (@paul_c_watson) October 4, 2024
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How'd you know?
MAN: There's signs aren't there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying 'cycle paths'.
