20 of the Funniest Tweets About Life With Kids

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

— Mummy Dear (@ThatMummyLife) November 14, 2022

My son is arguing with my husband about a math problem. My husband is an engineer. My son is in 4th grade. The confidence is strong in this one.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 6, 2022

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 19, 2022

parenting is hard but so rewarding! like this morning I told my three year old “I love you honey” and she looked up at me with her sweet little face and said “I don’t love you. i only love daddy, and dinosaurs.”

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) February 2, 2022

Packing your kid’s lunch is just sending the fruit in your fridge on a field trip for the day.

— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) November 20, 2022

Points for creativity to my 7yo who got caught sneaking cookies and tried to convince me she was sleepwalking, at 3pm.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 23, 2022

My 9 year old has wanted to bake a cake for weeks and today after I finished work we finally did it. Being so busy means it’s easy to forget about making memories with my kids – I can tell she loved every four minutes of it before she went to watch TV and left me to do it all

— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) November 24, 2022

Out of nowhere, my nephew just asked, “Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?” and now I’m going to be haunted by this question

— Jeremy Parish (@gamespite) November 24, 2022

My 5-year-old sat me down to tell me my fortune. She said, "one day, maybe you'll be the best mom in the universe." Not today, tho.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 23, 2022

My daughter could bring up the time I took her to Disney but she usually brings up the time I made her a sandwich using the heel of the bread.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 3, 2022

After watching my toddler like a hawk nonstop I glance at my phone for 0.00012 seconds, and when I look up she is somehow smoking a cigarette and wielding a crossbow

— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 3, 2022

I follow a mom on Instagram who has five boys just to see if she survives

— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) November 22, 2022

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

— Be Kind Of Witty (@bekindofwitty) January 25, 2022

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

— kidversations (@kidversations_) September 20, 2022

(my 5-year-old daughter does a cartwheel)
Me: That was great! Do you want to try gymnastics classes? Or dance? You get to wear fun costumes and do shows.
Her: No. I want to be a normal person and do nothing.

— Marla Cáceres (@MarlaCaceres) August 2, 2022

I folded a slice of pizza in half and ate it and my 7yo said “mommy only ate half a piece of pizza” and with those math skills she will always be my favourite child

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 19, 2022

I sent my daughter a text and she responded with “I will look into this. Thank you.” So I guess we’re business associates now.

— Wendy (@_wendyb07) November 24, 2022

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2022

I’m writing a fantasy fiction novel about a mom that has a cold and her family does things for themselves while she rests.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) November 23, 2022