Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across this month.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
oh your husband’s a lawyer? well my husband is the head coach of an imaginary football team four months out of every year
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 3, 2024
#2
Wife: Are you eating all the Halloween candy?!?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 30, 2024
Me: [mouth full of mini Snickers Bars]
Wife: You can't even say "no," can you?
Me: [slowly shakes head "no"]
#3
husband: do you know where the thing is
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 14, 2024
me: could I buy a noun
#4
My wife is complaining that most of the Halloween chocolates are gone. I blame her for making them so accessible in the back of the hall closet on the top shelf behind the scarves.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ has his memoir on pre-order (@WillieHandler) October 15, 2024
#5
Did you guys know that when you watch football teams play on tv that the first team listed is the visiting team and the second team listed is the home team? I didn’t know that until 5 mins ago and my husband made me tweet this. Bye.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 13, 2024
#6
Wife: I love that we finish each other's-
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 12, 2024
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE'S MY
Me: Margarita?
#7
Thinking about throwing away some screws my husband has had sitting on our counter for 6 months
— Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) October 6, 2024
#8
[at Halloween store]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 25, 2024
Me: Store security just stopped me.
Wife: WHY?
Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.
Wife: [leaves]
#9
Listen up folks. When your partner is venting about a problem, it’s so so important to actually STOP AND ASK THEM if they want advice, comfort, a back rub, another kitty, a trip to the bookstore, or a solemn blood oath of vengeance
— Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) October 4, 2024
#10
WIFE: I saw a couch I really like in IKEA
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) October 2, 2024
ME: Can we affjord it
HER: Get out.
#11
I’ve been married so long that when I commented to my MIL about how something my husband did was her fault for raising him that way, she responded with: he’s lived with you for longer. I was not prepared for this
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 7, 2024
#12
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
— vacation boy (@epsilina) October 15, 2024
#13
I saw my husband open the dishwasher and once he realized it was full of clean dishes he put his hands above his head and slowly backed away like he’d just tripped a wire on a bomb
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 21, 2024
#14
He died doing what he loved: showing his wife how cold his hands were by putting them up her shirt.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 16, 2024
#15
One of the best parts of solo travel is that I can get to the airport as early as I like.
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) October 16, 2024
And when my husband flies alone he can get there six minutes before his flight leaves and I don’t have to witness the madness.
#16
If you married me, your T-shirts are my pajamas. No negotiations.
— your other spooky mom (@difficultpatty) October 4, 2024
#17
At breakfast my son yelled at my daughter for chewing too loud and my daughter yelled at my son for breathing too loud. I sat back and smiled knowing they are prepared for their future marriages.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 17, 2024
#18
My girlfriend just asked me if I could make her another couple bits of toast. She probably thought I'd need to get a second knife dirty. Wrong. I'd carefully rested the original knife on the edge of the sink. Been training my whole life for this moment.
— Ross Sayers (@Sayers33) October 14, 2024
#19
The cleaning lady is coming today so my wife is vacuuming under the living room rug before she gets here.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 16, 2024
#20
I have never been to the golf course with my husband and today I finally acquiesced. First hole, he’s driving like a maniac presumably trying to impress me. I said, “You’re gonna flip it.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 26, 2024
My husband, “I’ve been driving carts since I was 5, calm down.”
Two seconds later. pic.twitter.com/2G3krBBvJg
