20 Funny Tweets to Start Your Week Off With Some Laughs

Ordered a cake from Costco and their system is from the 1800s, you write what you want on a piece of paper & put it in a box then nobody follows up and you just show up and hope they made it? I tried to call to confirm & they were like “if you put it in the box, it will be there”

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 11, 2023

I thought I was having a bad day then my twins found a harmonica and a tambourine, formed a band and sang a song called “Mummy’s Old and Squishy”

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 19, 2022

When I was 16 years old, I successfully parallel parked to get my driver's license. To this day, I will walk 15 blocks to avoid ever doing that again.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) July 1, 2021

If I was accidentally weird to you once just know I will be thinking about it every night for the next 20 years

— Introvert Problems (@IntrovertProbss) February 6, 2023

“Time is linear” not for rideshare apps. Your driver is arriving in 3 minutes or maybe never. Be ready in 14 minutes and also he’s outside right now

— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) March 12, 2024

The people aimlessly walking in the parking lot looking for their car they parked 10 minutes ago…you are my people.

— Calantha 🐶 (@CalanthaTXBlue) March 25, 2023

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 8, 2023

I miss the days when a doctor would prescribe that you go sit by the sea & drink warm broth to cure your agonies.

— Doth (@DothTheDoth) March 19, 2024

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like "Wow I'm so glad it well went!" and he was like "oh no, it went terribly." 😂

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) September 21, 2023

My kid grabbed her dinner, tablet, and book bag, left the kitchen shouting “I have an important meeting”.

She’s five. I have so many questions 🤦🏻‍♂️

— Panagis Galiatsatos, MD, MHS (@panagis21) September 1, 2023

When I hear my voice on a recording, I feel like I need to apologize to everyone I talk to on a daily basis.

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) September 27, 2023

I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t have any more passwords left in me.

— Dr. YeeHaw (@doctuh_p) September 14, 2021

If I were lost, but I had a compass, I would still be lost.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) February 18, 2024

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) March 20, 2024

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) January 30, 2023

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

— Parentalgrit (@ParentalGrit) October 29, 2018

Good luck "private number," I haven't answered my phone for a number I know since 2013.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) March 20, 2024

What happens at a dry cleaners is so mysterious. And frankly none of our business

— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) March 16, 2024

only I can understand my kid. she’s like “BDIDKDKODKDHJXUDHEJSLOSJDHDUSJMSOZUZUSJSIXOJ” and I’m like “ok I will get you a piece of sausage in just a minute”

— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 27, 2018