Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across in November of 2023.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
A couple should not marry each other until they set up a Christmas tree together.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 28, 2023
#2
Today my husband and I were walking by the Christmas section in Target & he had the AUDACITY to say that we already had a lot of Christmas decorations at home. That is not how the Target Christmas section works. The decorations choose us, not the other way around.
— Emily C.R. (@EmilyC_R) November 12, 2023
#3
My wife can make "Can you come in here please?" sound absolutely terrifying.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 4, 2023
#4
There was romance over dinner last night.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) November 27, 2023
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
#5
I'm not saying my wife shops a lot on Amazon, I'm just saying they're installing a pneumatic tube from their warehouse to my front porch.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 14, 2023
#6
i’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be
— nika (@nikalamity) November 19, 2023
#7
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I'm looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
— The Dad (@thedad) November 4, 2023
#8
Me: Do you want a remote car starter for Christmas?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 9, 2023
Wife: Why? I already have a remote car starter.
Me: You do?
Wife [handing me her keys]: Go start my car.
#9
A Christmas miracle but it’s my husband finally getting an iPhone after a decade of ruining group texts
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) November 25, 2023
#10
If my husband falls asleep in the car on the way home can I leave him there all night so I can have the bed to myself?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 16, 2023
Asking for a friend.
#11
There are the kind of people who are like "aaahhhh 🙂 time to turn off my brain now 🙂 🙂 and go to sleep 🙂 🙂 :)" and then there are the people who ask deeply troubling philosophical and existential questions right before getting into bed, and they marry each other
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) November 18, 2023
#12
How can I relate to a guy in a commercial buying his wife a car for Christmas when I tried to pay my cable bill with Kohl's cash?
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 27, 2023
#13
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 28, 2023
#14
My wife just gave me the wrong definition of mansplaining. We have been staring at each other for the last hour and I am terrified to say anything.
— Dan ain't Q (@dan6654) November 17, 2023
#15
Dating: You’re so amazing, you are just like, perfect!
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 20, 2023
Married: For the love of God, stop eating chips like that, if you want to live to see another day.
#16
We have to go to a wedding on this college football Saturday.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 11, 2023
Husband, “What if you said I’m sick?”
Me, “No.”
Husband, “What if you said we’re getting divorced?”
Me, “You want me to go to a WEDDING and say you aren’t there bc we are getting divorced?”
H, “It may not be a lie.”
#17
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 27, 2023
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
#18
someone replied to one of my tweets to explain why it wasn't funny and I got really upset for a second because I thought that my wife had joined Twitter
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) November 6, 2023
#19
My wife left for the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving so I'm wondering if I should wait for her to come home or just move on and try to find love again.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 22, 2023
#20
[At the hospital]
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 7, 2023
Nurse: *Walks into the room* How are you feeling this morning?
Me: It was a little rough sleeping here last night but I made it.
My wife: She was talking to me. I had the baby.
#21
My wife is fixing the dishwasher. I think she really admires the manly way I hand her tools. pic.twitter.com/gWsvMaaacx
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2023
