Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
No one can use their debit at the grocery store and an old lady just cut in front of all of us in line like the tortoise passing the hare because she is writing a check.
— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) July 19, 2024
#2
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
— Forest Barnette ❤️🔥 (@foresthempen) September 11, 2024
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
#3
i still don’t really know if hot or cold air is supposed to defog my windshield.
— emily may (@emilykmay) September 23, 2023
#4
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
— maya 🦭 (@mayaisfiya) December 31, 2023
#5
Ran out of syrup mid-waffle, and by the look on my kid's face, I will be hearing from his lawyer
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 18, 2024
#6
Me: Did you see everything you wanted to see in England?
— Dr. Glaucomflecken (@DGlaucomflecken) July 8, 2024
12 yo: Well I never heard somebody say “Cheerio”
#7
The key to a happy marriage is understanding each other's love languages.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2019
My language is words of affirmation.
My wife's is doughnuts.
#8
I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women are only in their “prime” during their 20s. Like, what? Excuse me, but I checked the math and that is blatantly false.
— Leen McBeans ꪜ (@LeenMcBeans) October 10, 2023
Women are also prime at 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97.
#9
midwesterners are like “let’s have a light lunch” and it’s caesar salad and fettuccini alfredo
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 22, 2023
#10
I needed air in my tires and for a second I thought “I need exercise too, so I should walk to the gas station to get it” in case you were wondering if standardized test scores are really a good measure of intelligence
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 15, 2022
#11
When I hear my voice on a recording, I feel like I need to apologize to everyone I talk to on a daily basis.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) September 27, 2023
#12
No one prepared me for the absurd amount of times I would check the weather forecast on a daily basis in my 40s.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) July 11, 2024
#13
was trying to get my 2yo to nap on vacation, so i offered her a cheddar square to nibble on and said “let’s lie down on our cot and read a book in the nice quiet darkness together.” since then she has been asking to “eat cheese in the darkness”
— Katie Chironis (@kchironis) July 7, 2024
#14
When I have a piece of mail that needs attention, what I like to do is move it around from the kitchen table to the kitchen counter to another surface repeatedly until I die.
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) September 23, 2023
#15
commercials should be the same volume as the show, we have the technology
— Adam (@adamgreattweet) September 18, 2024
#16
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son's folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) April 7, 2023
Now he's standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
#17
Every Hallmark romance movie is like "yeahhhh you wanna live in a small town"
— J. (@learnteachwin) April 3, 2022
And every Hallmark mystery series is like "YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN"
#18
I told a teenager today I used to get 10 CDs for a penny in the mail, and I'm not sure if she thinks I'm lying about what a CD was, what a penny is, or what the mail is or all three.
— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) November 21, 2023
#19
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I'm realizing this is a mango pic.twitter.com/5pmzT6NVyn
— ★Nate D Hernandez★ (@NateDHernandez) September 19, 2024
#20
When your gingerbread house doesn’t work out, you improvise pic.twitter.com/bA5933EOuG
— Eric Alper 🎧 (@ThatEricAlper) December 14, 2025
