Here’s a little round-up of some of the funniest tweets I’ve come across lately.
Hope these bring you some laughs and hope you have a great week!
Janene
#1
*working in pediatric ER*
— Josh Trebach, MD (@jtrebach) June 30, 2024
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
#2
I just remembered that the sheets and duvet cover are in the dryer and I’d almost rather book a hotel room for the night than deal with all that
— Sam G (@ItsSamG) January 28, 2023
#3
Grandma: I checked your book out from the library, but I wrinkled it a little bit before I returned it, so people would know it's popular.
— Kelly Ohlert (@KellyOhlert) January 11, 2023
I'm retiring from marketing. Grandma is taking over.
#4
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 13, 2022
#5
it is horrible when your birthday is over like now i’m just a civilian
— charlie (@chunkbardey) April 12, 2024
#6
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen – he sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
— C A Scrimshaw Author (@ca_scrimshaw) April 1, 2023
#7
People keep telling me to sign up for a 401k but I don’t even think I could run a 5k
— greg (@greg16676935420) July 5, 2024
#8
I cooked a frozen lasagna with frozen garlic bread and a frozen apple pie for dessert and my son (literally oblivious this was all store bought) looked at me so genuinely and said, “In my life, I have never had anything you have made that tasted as good as this.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) December 12, 2023
#9
Asked this applicant if she had any questions for us and she replied “when do I start?” 😂
— Chubi (@chuubiyo) July 4, 2024
#10
I know the first person to cook spinach was ANNOYED
— la chusma (@prollyhighaf) July 6, 2024
#11
Returning packages is amazing because it's like, wow. Look at all this money I just made. I am a provider.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) May 19, 2024
#12
To everyone who said my music “hobby” was a waste of time and would never lead to a career: I need to borrow some money.
— Kip Conlon (@kipconlon) July 4, 2024
#13
I took my son to the doctor because he had a fever last night. Dr asked what it was and 10 fronted me out, “Oh she doesn’t know the number. She used her therMOMeter. You know? Kiss on the forehead and then she said oh, you have a fever.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 28, 2020
Dr. nodding his head, “Accurate.”
#14
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
— Melissa (@awkwardenabled) July 6, 2024
#15
My superpower is looking for my phone whilst it’s in my back pocket.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 7, 2024
#16
I used the old “I gave birth to you” on my daughter, she said “That was one time”.
— uncle mom (@mayamanion) July 11, 2022
#17
Before my parents married, my mom got cold feet because she couldn’t cook. She said one night, “It will never work. I can’t cook!!”
— Jennifer Begakis (@jenbegakis) July 5, 2024
My Greek dad said calmly, “You can cook five things, no?”
Mom, “Yeah..”
Dad, “Great, we’ll go out to dinner on weekends.”
#18
the adult version of a corn maze is just finding your way out of the back part of the dentist’s office after your dental assistant abandons you
— chase (@_chase_____) October 8, 2022
#19
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
— shelby wolstein (@ShelbyWolstein) April 26, 2022
#20
