20 Funny Tweets About Married Life

Today my husband and I were walking by the Christmas section in Target & he had the AUDACITY to say that we already had a lot of Christmas decorations at home. That is not how the Target Christmas section works. The decorations choose us, not the other way around.

— 💙Emily C.R. is on Bluesky💙 (@EmilyC_R) November 12, 2023

My husband and I tell each other I love you more and then roll over to the edges of our bed as far away from each other as possible.

— Miss Understood (@wittysnuggles) February 17, 2024

A couple should not marry each other until they set up a Christmas tree together.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 28, 2023

My wife can make "Can you come in here please?" sound absolutely terrifying.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 4, 2023

my husband keeps telling everyone i messed up his breakfast bc i forgot to make him toast so he got mad at me because he’s “lack-toast intolerant” and then laughs and laughs

they dont warn you about endless dad jokes, they should, but they dont

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 27, 2023

Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 27, 2024

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I'm looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

— The Dad (@thedad) November 4, 2023

Me: Do you want a remote car starter for Christmas?
Wife: Why? I already have a remote car starter.
Me: You do?
Wife [handing me her keys]: Go start my car.

— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) November 9, 2023

My wife said we need to “evaluate the garage” so there goes my weekend

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 24, 2024

If my husband falls asleep in the car on the way home can I leave him there all night so I can have the bed to myself?

Asking for a friend.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 16, 2023

How can I relate to a guy in a commercial buying his wife a car for Christmas when I tried to pay my cable bill with Kohl's cash?

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 27, 2023

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) February 24, 2024

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

I always judged elderly couples who can't function apart, but occasionally my husband sleeps in, and since he makes the coffee, I just don't have coffee those days. I want coffee but alas. Unsolvable problem

— sarah (@sarahradz_) June 17, 2024

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015

We have to go to a wedding on this college football Saturday.
Husband, “What if you said I’m sick?”
Me, “No.”
Husband, “What if you said we’re getting divorced?”
Me, “You want me to go to a WEDDING and say you aren’t there bc we are getting divorced?”
H, “It may not be a lie.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 11, 2023

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 27, 2023

My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 9, 2024

My wife left for the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving so I'm wondering if I should wait for her to come home or just move on and try to find love again.

— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) November 22, 2023

[At the hospital]

Nurse: *Walks into the room* How are you feeling this morning?

Me: It was a little rough sleeping here last night but I made it.

My wife: She was talking to me. I had the baby.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) November 7, 2023