Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across this month.
Hope these add some laughs to your day!
Janene
#1
[wedding vows]
— your other mom (@difficultpatty) August 12, 2024
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
#2
My wife has a great movie recommendation but she doesn’t remember the title. She says it stars the same person who was in the other movie but she can't remember that title either.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) August 11, 2024
#3
Wife: Let’s review one more time- why are you going to Costco?
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) August 11, 2024
Me: To get bread & milk
Wife: Right, now go get bread & milk
Me: [brings home 58-inch TV]
#4
My future husband is very lucky, he will never stay hungry because i know so many restaurants with delicious food
— jenzie (@Jenzie872364555) August 19, 2024
#5
Wife and I are watching Dexter and she’s scribbling in a notebook so I guess this is goodbye
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 11, 2024
#6
My husband thinks all the silverware should go in one big pile together instead of being separated by size and category. I really wish I had known this before we got married.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 12, 2024
#7
There are two kinds of people in this world, those who have vacation constipation, and those who have vacation diarrhea, and they marry each other
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 8, 2024
#8
Please pray for our marriage. I have taken all the property, assets and money and have left my wife with nothing. It was all going well for her until she landed on Park Place and Boardwalk in back to back rolls. Anyways, she took her thimble and went home..
— Andy Ottaway (blue cheque) (@Andy35o) August 11, 2024
#9
Love is patient, love is kind, love is quietly moving into the guestroom to go back to sleep instead of kicking your husband and telling him to roll over to quit snoring for the millionth time.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) August 5, 2024
#10
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) August 3, 2024
#11
Who is that? …. Why did he do that? …. Where are they going? …. What's she doing? …. Who is that? ~ Movie time with my wife
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 13, 2024
#12
I didn't even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2024
#13
"You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 18, 2024
#14
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn't have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I'm vibrating and going to piss myself
— h🦋 (@tinotonitini_) August 24, 2024
#15
I’m keeping the magic in my marriage by hiding all the Amazon boxes
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 6, 2024
#16
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 25, 2024
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
#17
me: I'm doing a grocery order, do you need anything
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 20, 2024
husband: no
***
me: I'm going to pick up the grocery order
husband: peanut butter
#18
My husband can’t hear me from three feet away, but can hear a chip bag crinkle from the other side of the house.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 23, 2024
#19
My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we've both been awake since January 14, 2013.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 14, 2024
#20
my dad keeps going live on facebook so i asked my mom what she thinks about it and she said “idk i deleted your father off facebook he’s too annoying”
— pepe silvia ⁷ (@dubKekss) August 20, 2024
#21
Husband: you should get out of the house more
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 25, 2024
Me: *goes to Target*
Husband: not like that
#22
If your wife is sad because you just dropped your kid off at college it may require something drastic to cheer her up. I just suggested we go look for a new fall wreath.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2024
#23
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 24, 2024
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'
#24
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 14, 2024
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you're up?
#25
the wife told me that we're invited to a country themed party so I'm wearing this pic.twitter.com/qa89NxtclK
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) August 23, 2024
