I Failed the Marital Rating Scale

So, first let me say, I’m REALLY glad I’m not living in 1939. Because I recently came across something called “The Marital Rating Scale” created by a psychologist named Dr. George Crane, and all I have to say is OH. MY. GOD.

Dr. Crane interviewed 600 husbands on their wives’ positive and negative qualities and then assigned points for merits and demerits.

Here is a sample of the chart…


I thought it would be fun to take a look at some of the more interesting “demerits” for wives on Dr. Crane’s scale and see how I score.


#3  Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly

True confession: I had to Google “darn socks”. I mean, I’ve heard the term before, but I didn’t actually know what it meant. Clearly, I have failed in this department.

Also, fun fact: I have never sewn a button in my life. Ever. Probably because I somehow have never been alone in a button emergency. I have a mom that can sew a button, my husband can sew a button, and so can all of my kids. I just sort of discreetly leave the room when I suspect a potential button situation…I mean, it’s been 52 years, why break my streak now?

#25 Wears pajamas while cooking

Hmm…this one is a bit baffling. Does anyone really care what anyone who is cooking for them is wearing?  You want to come to my house and cook for me? You can wear your ratty pajamas, you can wear a ballgown, you can wear a bathing suit, hell, you can wear your birthday suit, I really don’t careI would just be forever grateful for one less endless meal to cook.

#18 Tells family affairs to casual acquaintances, too talkative

I suppose having a social media following of 850,000 casual acquaintances would qualify me for a solid demerit on this one LOL.

#35  Wears pajamas instead of nightgown

Wow…huge fail here. Here is a photo of me in the last nightgown I wore circa 1975.

Honestly, I don’t even wear matching pajamas. I wear flannel pajama pants and either my threadbare green Breakfast Club t-shirt or my gray t-shirt that says, “I like to party. And by party I mean read books.” I’m sure I’d get extra demerits for having all that goin’ on.

Ok, enough with the demerits. Let’s see where I can rack up some favorable wifely points and look at the “merits” columns.


#25  Has pleasant voice – not strident

Well, according to Merriam-Webster, strident means loud and harsh. And I’m 100% Italian. So I guess no points here. Shoot.

#36 Keeps husbands clothes clean and pressed

I get a point! Well, half a point. I do wash his clothes. But pressed? Unfortunately, that would fall under the same category as the darning socks/sew a button situation. When my youngest was about 9 years old she walked into the laundry room and the top cabinet was open. She looked up and said, “Mom, what is that THING up there??” It was an iron. Which she had literally never seen. What can I say? I do all my ironing in the dryer.

#28  Writes often and lovingly when away from husband

Does this post count? I love you, Brian.

#41 Has minor children to care for (5)

Jackpot! I DO have minor children, three of them at 5 points each! 15 points for me. Aww man, I just realized that my oldest is 22 so she doesn’t count. Wait…she’s still a tax deduction, right??

#23 Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress (10)

Does “marital congress” mean what I think it means? Sex is worth 10 points? I’m in a bit of a pickle with this one…if my children read this and if I award myself the points it’s possible they will die of mortification. On the other hand, if I don’t award myself the points, it’s possible my husband will. I’m pleading the 5th on this one.

#34  Good seamstress-can make her own clothes or the children’s clothes

I think we can safely assume from my button confession that this one does NOT apply to me.

#33 Often comments on husband’s strength and masculinity

Well, not really but I often ask him to reach things that I can’t. That’s kinda the same thing, right?

#21 Keeps snacks in refrigerator for late eating

I DO in fact, keep (a.k.a. hide) snacks, particularly my friends Ben & Jerry, buried underneath the frozen vegetables for MY late night eating. Does that count?

#20 Has a pleasant disposition in the morning – not crabby.

That depends. Did someone find and eat my Ben & Jerry’s?

#22 Likes educational and cultural things

Ugh. Honestly? I really don’t. I mean, I’ll watch Jeopardy every once in a while but that’s about it. I don’t like documentaries, I don’t care much for plays, and for some odd reason I really do not like aquariums. Wow, good thing I’m not writing a dating profile…I sound awful LOL!

So I’m not sure exactly how many points I’ve scored but it ain’t looking good. 

It has become painfully obvious that I would make a pretty crappy 1930’s housewife, at least according to Dr. Crane. 

But since being a 1930’s housewife seems like a worse job than being an armpit sniffer (which, shockingly, exists) I’m not too devastated.

For more laughs, check out “20 Funny and Spot-On Tweets Only Women Will Truly Understand”