20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 10, 2024

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

— Michelle 🍎 (@michelleDbelle) September 8, 2024

There are two quantities of popcorn: not enough and what have I done

— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) September 13, 2024

To the person talking to themselves in the grocery store…I get you. I truly, truly get you.

— Stacey (@skittle624) September 12, 2024

Girl math is cleaning up before you go out of town, so you can just come home and relax.

— 🍀 (@_lilboxie_) September 8, 2024

I don't remember if I took my pills, but I can't check because I can't remember where I put my glasses.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 11, 2024

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

— ً (@zeinacey) September 9, 2024

It has been 0 days since I last took a screenshot of my home screen when trying to lock my phone

— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) September 9, 2024

Staring into the abyss and it doesn't have any dinner ideas either

— meghan (@deloisivete) September 11, 2024

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said "sure" and then he did a somersault.

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) September 9, 2024

My doctor's office: Time to check in for your appointment!

*I click the link*

We just texted a security code to your phone that must be used within 18 seconds. Please set a new password with 271 characters. Your PIN is your neighbor's sister's maiden name. Oops, too slow.

— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) September 11, 2024

I came into some money today (found a quarter in a clean pair of jeans)

— Avogadro’s House of Moles (@schumoo) September 6, 2024

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

— Alice Etches (@aliceetches) September 11, 2024

Today I asked the first graders, "Do you have any questions?" so one asked, "Do you know my mom's favorite color?"

— Caitlin 🚗 🧀 Driscoll (@TeacherOnTopic) September 13, 2024

If you’re looking for a reason to unfollow me I like candy corn

— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) September 12, 2024

If my entire night’s sleep was as good as that first 9 minutes after I hit snooze I would be a completely different person.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 10, 2024

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

— reb (@rebmasel) September 9, 2024

A man I didn't know told me I look tired yesterday. The look on his face when I told him he looked bald. Two can play that game honey.

— Dr Bella (@Dr_BellaR) September 10, 2024

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

— Sav (@savannahelisse) September 12, 2024

I’m sorry I can’t come. My dog expects me home by a certain time.

— One Ordinary Girl (@audri_em) September 12, 2024