20 of the Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she's born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can't celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

— Berna (@BernaEWriter) December 26, 2023

for my new year's resolution i am going to wake up on january 1 with a level of discipline and ability to delay gratification i have not once shown in my entire life

— Freia (@moonbeamdreams_) December 26, 2023

Dads love to walk into the room when you’re watching TV and say “what’s this rubbish” and then just stand there in the corner and watch whatever it is until it’s over

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) December 23, 2023

A game show called what ISN’T expired in my parents’ fridge.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) December 24, 2023

this year i bought and wrapped myself a $20 gift every month and i opened them all today and it was delightful. 10/10 recommend

— saint nick (@nickykens) December 26, 2023

once you get a soft closing toilet lid you spend the rest of your life shocked by the rest of the world's deafeningly loud toilet lid bangs. you barbarians just live like this? when a better world is so close at hand?

— lauren (@Very__Regular) December 27, 2023

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle.’

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) December 26, 2023

Asking for a sick day feels so infantalizing, composing a professional email to be like “I frew up”

— cas says free palestine (@CrappyFumes) December 27, 2023

Time for a girls night out! And by out I mean in my house, and by night I mean not past my bedtime, and by girls I mean me and my cat

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 22, 2023

I’m convinced no one actually has a place to wear any of the fancy sparkly outfits that fashion brands promote for New Year’s Eve and it’s all just a lie being pushed by Big Sequin

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 29, 2023

Thanks for the $20 Amazon gift card. I got dish detergent like the wild person I am.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 26, 2023

My toxic trait is not letting anyone else clean, because it's not clean unless I clean it.

— Kayla (@RebelWiACause) December 28, 2023

If you’re looking for my fierce pit bull, he’s hiding under the bed because I opened the closet with the vacuum in it

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 24, 2023

me: hey my package went to the wrong house

major online retail company: why don’t you walk around and look for it, meet the neighbors

me, an introvert: you know what, never mind

— meghan (@deloisivete) December 24, 2023

It doesn’t matter if your birthday is on Christmas or in July. I will still get you a birthday gift wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 28, 2023

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a holiday scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name-brand aluminum foil.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 26, 2023

*at my first wine tasting* ahh yes I’m definitely getting notes of wine

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) December 29, 2023

My dad said he was going to Costco for a pizza and asked if I needed anything and I said a kayak.

— Marissa 💚🎆💛 (@michimama75) December 28, 2023

as a woman you should have a Little Essentials Bag and a Big Essentials Bag ready to go at all times. Little Essentials should include your wallet, keys, lip products, sunglasses, gum, hair ties. Big Essentials is all of that plus a book you aren’t going to read

— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) December 30, 2023

*Me, a surgeon, chopping sweet potatoes with my mom.”

My mom: Be careful with that knife.

— ChelsFitz, MD (@Muktab_) December 25, 2023