Top 20 Funniest Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From Rodney Lacroix

My stepson is only two weeks into his first relationship with a girlfriend and is already down seventeen sweatshirts.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 18, 2022

Changed our Swear Jar into one where the kids put in $1 every time they argue with us.

Been only a week but we've already raised $3 billion.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 30, 2021

There needs to be a scientific study on how we can spend $300 a week on groceries and never have anything to eat in the house.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 11, 2022

I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as a UPS driver they'd probably let me work from home.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 14, 2022

A good way to prepare for parenting is to talk to rocks because children have similar listening habits.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 29, 2022

Our youngest made her own grilled cheese and, long story short, did you know that bread is flammable?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 1, 2022

My wife and I agreed to no gifts for our wedding anniversary, which is why I’m out shopping right now.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 23, 2022

Parenting means bolting awake at midnight from a doorbell notification that someone is at your front door, only to find out it's your teen getting a DoorDash delivery of a single McDonald’s hash brown.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 21, 2023

Every conversation with a child getting ready for school in the winter ends with a parent yelling, "FINE, THEN FREEZE."

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 12, 2023

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There’s no way I’m walking on wet grass.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 24, 2019

I didn’t have enough cereal for a full bowl, so I mixed Shredded Wheat with Grape Nuts, and it tastes like I’m eating wicker furniture in a sandstorm.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 27, 2023

Losing my wife 3 times in the grocery store and having her paged by customer service each time is why I get to stay home now.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 12, 2021

I didn’t realize there was a wrong way to mow a lawn until I asked my son to do it.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 15, 2021

My favorite Fall ritual is watching the Low Tire Pressure light go on in every vehicle I own.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 18, 2022

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 7, 2022

My wife asked me to go to the grocery store on the day before Thanksgiving so I guess this is goodbye.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 23, 2022

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 24, 2022

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is. pic.twitter.com/kcMMzsO9cC

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 28, 2022

Me: [print]
Printer: You're low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You're low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 6, 2018

I’m not saying I’m old, I’m just saying that my dinner time and bed time are getting dangerously close to each other.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 26, 2022

Me: [practicing “Cat’s in the Cradle” on guitar]

Son: Hey, dad-

Me: NOT NOW

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 16, 2023