20 of the Best Tweets From Funny Dad Rodney Lacroix

My Google searches today:

– why won't my washing machine spin
– appliance repairman cost to fix a washing machine
– how to fix a washing machine yourself
– how to put out an electrical fire
– cheap washing machines

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 27, 2023

I am learning French for our trip to Paris but Duolingo keeps teaching me things like "I am a cat," and "The horse is eating an orange" and "Marie wants an owl" so I'm excited to see how the Parisians respond to my conversational style.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 26, 2024

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids. Two are in college. One just got his driver's license and my youngest is about to become a teenager.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 21, 2021

A good way to prepare for parenting is to talk to rocks because children have similar listening habits.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 29, 2022

My stepson is only two weeks into his first relationship with a girlfriend and is already down seventeen sweatshirts.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 18, 2022

I wish I loved anything as much as Netflix loves starting a show while I’m still reading its description

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 5, 2024

My wife angrily hung up on me because I didn't know the inflation PSI of her car's tires off the top of my head, in case any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 21, 2024

Showed our youngest how to use DoorDash and long story short we are expecting the delivery of a single McDonalds hash brown any minute now.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 31, 2021

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That's not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it's Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 11, 2023

Me: Do you need to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Do you need to pee?
Dog:
Me: Go poop? Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Ugh. Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and gets comfy on couch]
Dog: You won’t believe this.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 2, 2023

I’m at the age where I see a huge, beautiful mansion in a movie and think, “How much does it cost to heat that house in the winter?”

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 11, 2023

Half of my electric bill is from forgetting I have clothes in the dryer and having to de-wrinkle them over and over again.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 9, 2023

I didn’t realize there was a wrong way to mow a lawn until I asked my son to do it.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 15, 2021

I'm "I used to write my Christmas list by sitting down in front of a 4,000-page Sears Catalog" years old.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 10, 2023

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 7, 2022

I texted my wife asking how her day was going and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there's my answer.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 25, 2024

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 26, 2024

Plumber is coming today between the hours of 8 AM and the year 2087.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 11, 2022

Me: [print]
Printer: You're low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You're low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 6, 2018

I’m not saying I’m old, I’m just saying that my dinner time and bed time are getting dangerously close to each other.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 26, 2022