20 of the Funniest Tweets on Marriage and Parenting from “I Don’t Speak Whine”

Introvert me is pissed off at yesterday me for trying to be an extrovert for 5 minutes and accidentally making plans for today

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 9, 2022

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 5, 2022

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 11, 2022

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don't know that every bowl you own is in their room.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 6, 2022

I have a new neighbor that no one has seen during the day, but last night he mowed his lawn at 9pm while wearing a headlamp and I feel like this neighborhood group chat is about to turn into a 'Burbs situation

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 19, 2022

I introduced my kids to Ramen too early and they're tired of eating it and now I have no idea how they're going to survive in college.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 17, 2022

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, "Looks like it's a double stuffed Oreo kind of day."

So anyway, he's my new therapist.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 24, 2023

My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I'm still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) June 7, 2021

My teen daughter, who does this little clapping thing with her hands when she's happy and smiles when she lies, wants to play poker with me and I'm all in!

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 23, 2022

I joked that it was easier to get out of the mob than the PTA, but discovered that I was talking to the president of the PTA who told me that I'm not "PTA material", so I guess it's really not that hard to get out of the PTA

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 16, 2022

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that's why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It's not on the way.

13: I'll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let's go.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) February 28, 2023

My 15 y/o daughter was complaining about her younger cousin waking her up and said, "You have no idea what it's like to open your eyes and see someone else’s face 4 inches away from yours" and I laughed and laughed because karma is real.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 14, 2022

My daughter is "OMG! Why won't you let me live my life" years old.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 11, 2022

My husband just came back from the grocery store and forgot milk, bread, eggs, and butter.

Don't worry though, he picked up 3 cases of Sam Adams Oktoberfest, so we're good.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 25, 2022

[on my deathbed]

My kids: These Cheez-Its are stale

Me: *whispers* Come closer…THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE BOX OPEN!

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 23, 2022

My husband just told me that I was right and…

… I don't know what else he said because I stopped listening after he said that I was right.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 26, 2022

My son woke up with a stuffy nose came downstairs moaning draped in a blanket and put ESPN on, so I guess "man cold season" has officially started

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) September 26, 2022

I'm pretty sure that my husband wants a divorce. I mean he didn't say it but he left 1 square of toilet paper on the roll, so…

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) November 1, 2022

[at the Vet]

Me: Keep an eye on her because she likes to chew on her leash.

Vet Tech: Ohh, I do this all the time. She'll be fine.

*10 minutes later*

Vet Tech: You're not going to believe this but… pic.twitter.com/fMezJheUrq

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 6, 2023

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I'm fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 10, 2022