Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

8-year-old: Do you have a favorite kid?

Me: That would be like you having a favorite parent.

8: It's Mom.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 4, 2023

Whenever my kid is about to do something he’s not supposed to he says, ‘don’t look at me,’ and that’s how I know he’s not cut out for a life of crime.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) January 4, 2023

I feel like I’ve really grown as a person already this year. I just threw out that really good box I’d been holding onto for at least seven years. Because, you know, it was a really good box.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) January 2, 2023

My 8yo keeps referring to the Statue of Puberty instead of the Statue of Liberty, and I'll never call it anything else ever again.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 2, 2023

Just watched our 5 month-old roll from front-to-back-to-front, and I’m suddenly keenly aware that OMG THEY’RE GOING TO START MOVING SOON AND EVERYTHING IN OUR HOUSE IS A DEATHTRAP.

— Aaron Hoyland (@aaronhoyland) January 4, 2023

Him: how do you take your coffee?

Me: in large quantities

— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) January 6, 2023

Autocorrect changed “How’s your day?” to “How’s your fat?” in a message to my wife and THANK GOD I caught it

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) January 3, 2023

I don’t know much about parenting, but I know there’s a goldfish cracker under your couch right now.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 2, 2023

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 2, 2023

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 4, 2023

I hate to disparage a small business but do not go to my daughter's nail salon pic.twitter.com/CszgDqN5pC

— The Dad (@thedad) January 4, 2023

My husband put the dishes away.
If you have any information about their whereabouts we are deeply concerned for their safety at this time.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 4, 2023

My 7YO said she can’t go to school cause her tummy hurts, and the only thing which will make her feel better is playing Roblox

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 4, 2023

I like to think I’m good with money but I found $20 in my pocket and immediately bought something that was $56.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 31, 2022

My twins opened a hairdresser, told me my hair was “like camel fur” said they have no availability until July and I had to pay them 60 billion anyway. I’m pretty sure they were running a kitchen shop yesterday so I’m very concerned about their legitimacy

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 3, 2023

So excited for my kids to go back to school and I especially like the part where they bring home a new illness for the next month.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 3, 2023

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 3, 2023

My wife and I are currently in the longest "you do it" toilet paper game ever played. pic.twitter.com/ATTTKhNeOq

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 31, 2022

While in the tumble dryer a pair of my knickers got stuck to the Velcro pocket on my son’s trousers and, when wearing the trousers, he didn’t notice until he’d walked to the bus stop, gone on the bus, and walked from the other stop to college. Only one of us thinks this is funny.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) January 6, 2023

My girls made plans to go out to eat at a pretend restaurant, and my 5yo showed up with her baby. They started fighting. My 7yo, "I wanted to go out to eat with you! Not you AND your baby!" My 5yo holding her baby, "I can't leave the baby home alone!" I'm getting popcorn.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) December 30, 2022