20 of the Best Tweets From Women This Week

I have to move my car and parallel park it into a spot opposite some workmen and honestly I would rather drive it directly into the sea

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) November 3, 2023

i love when people are able to introduce me to their grandparents using their insane made-up name in a 100% serious tone, “this is peeps and lolly.”

— emily (@emilykmay) October 30, 2023

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) October 30, 2023

My neighbors had their entire house decorated for Christmas by the time I got home from work tonight so I have to move

— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) November 1, 2023

People who didn’t grow up in a colonial New England state, where did you even go for your 3rd grade field trip? How did you even learn to churn butter?

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) November 2, 2023

you’re either a “go to the dentist every six months” person or a “go to the dentist once a decade” person, there is no in between.

— emily (@emilykmay) November 3, 2023

I sure have a lot of opinions about cooking shows for someone who's eating a paw patrol string cheese for breakfast

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 30, 2023

Every healthy marriage requires compromise. I want to decorate for the holidays this weekend and my husband wants to decorate after Thanksgiving so we compromised and are decorating this Saturday.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) November 3, 2023

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 31, 2023

With friendships I have what I like to call “outdoor cat attachment style.” Some weeks u will see me a ton and other weeks u will not know if I’m dead or alive but don’t worry I still love u I will not forget u

— Keara Sullivan (@superkeara) October 31, 2023

When you invite me to something know I will say yes as I am a people pleaser but I will also cancel later as I am tired

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) November 3, 2023

bill nye’s full name is william new years eve

— kim (@KimmyMonte) October 30, 2023

friends girlfriend is trying to quit soda and has invented what she calls "sad Pepsi" where she cuts the Pepsi with an increasingly large proportion of water

— heɪz(ə)l (@cisgenderhaver) November 2, 2023

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 2, 2023

Moved the pile of mail to my desk so I’d have to deal with it and now I’ve been working at the dining room table for the last two days so I don’t have to deal with it.

— AlwaysAshley (@AshleyAlready) November 2, 2023

My toxic trait is being so overwhelmed from all the things I have to do that I’m sitting here scrolling on my phone doing nothing.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) October 28, 2023

Did something extra naughty today after my husband went to work.

I turned the thermostat up one full degree.

— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) November 2, 2023

started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology

— Borey (@GoToBedRory) November 4, 2023

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) November 3, 2023

I’m “remembers when a 32in TV weighed 450lbs” yrs old.

— Linda (@turtledumplin) November 3, 2023