Top 25 Funniest Marriage Tweets in 2023

My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated

— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) January 13, 2023

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) June 25, 2023

The mechanic asked if I needed to call my husband before buying new tires for my car, so I asked him where the rotary phone was so I could call the 1950s

— meghan (@deloisivete) February 11, 2023

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 12, 2023

Some couples exercise together.

My wife and I send each other videos when we're sitting in the same room.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) November 26, 2023

Therapist: Are you doing anything special for each other during the holidays?

Me: I made him an advent calendar.

Therapist: That was thoughtful of you.

Husband: It was filled with pieces of paper with errands I need to run before Christmas.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 18, 2023

My wife and I have taken 6 photos together in the last 2 years.

Meanwhile we've taken 93 photos of our dog sleeping since last week.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 17, 2023

My husband told me he saw Gary on his walk today. I don’t know any Gary’s. Upon further elaboration, I learned Gary is a goose he feeds bread to.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 7, 2023

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) May 14, 2023

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 10, 2023

I had no plans today. My wife found out and boy did I have a lot of plans today I didn't know about.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 3, 2023

My husband bought a stud finder and didn’t put it to his chest to see if it works. Someone come take his dad card away.

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) December 4, 2023

My wife and I enjoy decorating together: I hang an ornament and then she moves it to a different place and tells me to go make drinks.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 9, 2023

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband's beard, how distinguished it's becoming, and think "I DID THAT"

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 7, 2023

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 7, 2023

My wife made plans for us to go out tonight and the plans start at 8pm. What am I, 28?

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 5, 2023

I opened a new box of cereal before finishing the old one.

My wife hasn't noticed yet.

I'm living on borrowed time.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 23, 2023

In college this boy I liked asked me to lunch and also to go to the laundromat. So I went and brought my laundry. It was a great date. Weeks later he was at my apartment and said, “Hey! When did you get this washer/dryer?” And I said, “Oh I’ve always had that.”

He married me.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 17, 2023

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) April 21, 2023

If marriage taught me anything, it’s that women have a whole house and men have a chair and one random drawer in the kitchen.

— Tandy (@dantypo) October 24, 2023

i told my bf i like the buttered popcorn jelly belly beans and he just said “yeah, okay. i guess people like that have to exist.”

— sword gf (@punishedgarage) December 19, 2023

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

My husband and I are going away for the weekend. He just came downstairs and asked me if he needed to pack “restaurant clothes.” He is 55 years old.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 13, 2023

The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 24, 2023

My dad's secretary told my sisters and me that one time the whole office was out having drinks and going around complaining about their wives and when it got time for my dad to say something he said idk I love my wife she's my best friend.

— Lilly (@lillybilly299) September 25, 2023