20 of the Funniest Tweets from the Relatable “Momma Jessie”

I saw a man at the grocery store taking pictures of different containers of yogurt and I didn’t need to look for a wedding ring to know he’s married.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 15, 2021

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 7, 2023

I was having problems with my work computer so I called my IT guy and he was like, “You really need to stop calling me when I’m at school, Mom.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 3, 2022

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 6, 2020

Of course I listen to podcasts. What am I supposed to listen to? My own thoughts? Oh dear god no.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 16, 2022

My daughter could bring up the time I took her to Disney but she usually brings up the time I made her a sandwich using the heel of the bread.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 3, 2022

*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 17, 2019

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 26, 2023

Me, 5 hours before company arrives: Cool, calm, collected

Me, 15 minutes before company arrives: I NEED TO PAINT THE BASEBOARDS

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 24, 2022

One day you’re young and carefree; the next you’re like, “Is that a tufted titmouse at my bird feeder?!”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 23, 2022

My husband said the new throw pillows I bought really tie the whole room together, so if you’re wondering how many years of marriage it takes to wear down a husband, it’s 14.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2021

Stages of plant ownership:

1. I’m going to take such good care of you.

2. Oh no.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 28, 2023

One day my kid will find out that McDonald’s does not sell a 5 piece McNugget.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 6, 2023

Prayers for my husband who very tragically got me nothing for our anniversary when I specifically told him I wanted nothing for our anniversary.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 28, 2020

Parents be like, “Here’s 4 boxes of your old elementary school work you left at the house.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2022

I have one intelligent child who is designing a parachute and, putting this as politely as I can, I have another child willing to try the parachute.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2023

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2019

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 24, 2022

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 27, 2021