Quadruple the Laughs: 20 Hilarious Tweets from a Dad Raising Four Daughters

James Breakwell has over 1 million followers on Twitter, and for good reason.

The father of four very funny daughters, James shares hilarious snippets of his daily life on his account @XplodingUnicorn.

I’ve put together a Top 20 list of my favorite quips of his…hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

#1

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That's the kid version of "as per my last email."
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 27, 2024

#2

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who's coming over?

Me: No one. We're cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2018

#3

After school, instead of getting in the back of my van like she usually does, my 12-year-old sat shotgun and said, "This is front seat talk," and oh boy was some tea spilled.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2023

#4

Me: What did you do at school today?

5-year-old: Learned about dragons.

Me: Your class learned about dragons?

5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018

#5

6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way through a movie*

Me: You can’t just skip to the happy ending.

6: I don't have time for problems.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2017

#6

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It's a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She's my financial planner now.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2019

#7

3-year-old: You married my mom.

Me: I did.

3: You didn't ask me.

Me: It was before you were born.

3: That's not very nice.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2018

#8

In case you wondered what it's like to raise 4 daughters, I had to settle a heated fight over whose turn it was to ride an imaginary dolphin
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2016

#9

8-year-old: Want to play a board game?

Me: Yes! You never want to play with me.

8: My homework is to be nice to the elderly.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2022

#10

Before I became a parent, I never thought I would break up a fight at a living room guinea pig fashion show, yet here we are.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2021

#11

5-year-old: Do I have to fall in love someday?

Me: No.

5: Good. I have stuff to do.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 7, 2020

#12

7-year-old: All the boys said they were faster than girls in gym class.

Me: What did you say?

7: Nothing. I just beat them.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2017

#13

How to clean up glitter:

1) Burn down your house.

2) Move.

3) The glitter followed you. There is no escape.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2018

#14

8-year-old: It must be nice being a mom.

My wife: Why?

8: You make the rules and everybody listens.

Wife: *dies laughing*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2018

#15

5-year-old: Dad?

Me: Yeah?

5: Were you alive in the 80s?

Me: Yeah.

5: Were there dragons?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 24, 2019

#16

Me: Only female mosquitos bite.

7-year-old: I knew that.

Me: You did?

7: Girls always do all the work.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2017

#17

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2019

#18

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2023

#19

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2018

#20

Two of my kids just had an entire argument by singing at each other and now I understand how musicals are made.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2021

You can follow James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

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For more laughs, check out the popular post “22 Hilarious Tweets of Kids Roasting Their Parents That Are Comedy Gold”

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