Top 20 Funniest Tweets on Marriage and Parenting From James Breakwell

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It's a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She's my financial planner now.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 26, 2019

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who's coming over?

Me: No one. We're cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 14, 2018

7-year-old: All the boys said they were faster than girls in gym class.

Me: What did you say?

7: Nothing. I just beat them.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2017

Me: What did you do at school today?

5-year-old: Learned about dragons.

Me: Your class learned about dragons?

5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018

6-year-old: *fast forwards all the way through a movie*

Me: You can’t just skip to the happy ending.

6: I don't have time for problems.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2017

My wife combined so many coupons the grocery store actually paid her.

She's been talking about it for 20 minutes.

This is her Super Bowl.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2017

I couldn’t open a bottle of nail polish for my wife, so she threw it away.

That’s the kind of confidence I want in my marriage.

If I can’t open it, it’s impossible.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 5, 2019

Marriage pro tip: When your wife comes home from the store and shows you what she bought, you better make sounds like you're watching fireworks.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 21, 2017

My wife asked if I thought she should go on a diet.

I bought her doughnuts.

Marriage level: Expert.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2018

8-year-old: Want to play a board game?

Me: Yes! You never want to play with me.

8: My homework is to be nice to the elderly.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 13, 2022

Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.

Me: So it's a can't opener?

Wife: I can't believe I married you.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017

5-year-old: We didn't eat pizza today.

Me: No, we didn't.

5: Tomorrow we can do better.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 27, 2020

How to clean up glitter:

1) Burn down your house.

2) Move.

3) The glitter followed you. There is no escape.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 11, 2018

The school nurse called today because my 6-year-old collided with another kid on the playground.

When she got home, I asked her why they ran into each other.

She said it was because he didn't get out of her way.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 22, 2022

The key to a happy marriage is understanding each other's love languages.

My language is words of affirmation.

My wife's is doughnuts.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 27, 2019

Me: Only female mosquitos bite.

7-year-old: I knew that.

Me: You did?

7: Girls always do all the work.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2017

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2019

7-year-old: Do you have a podcast?

Me: Do you even know what a podcast is?

7: It's that thing where you talk to yourself and no one listens.

She knows exactly what a podcast is.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2017

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2018

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you exactly where something is but now has to get it herself because you couldn't find it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2022