15 of the Funniest Tweets from “The Mom at Law”

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) July 2, 2018

I did the calculations for a seven-day trip to Disney for my family of five and it turns out it will actually be cheaper for us to buy a home near Orlando and take up residence permanently in the state of Florida.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) February 11, 2020

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) November 7, 2018

Me, gazing wistfully at a new mom: Don’t blink, mama.

Her: I know. It all goes by so fast.

Me: No. Don’t even close your eyes for a second or else your kids will completely destroy your house.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) December 17, 2018

Person: What’s the most challenging part of having twins?

Me: Probably the two babies.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) October 28, 2018

Received yet another angry comment yesterday from someone who doesn’t believe parents should ever joke around about parenthood.

Listen people, if God didn’t want us to joke about parenting, he wouldn’t have given us all this great material.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) February 1, 2019

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) May 31, 2018

Friend: I fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans by two weeks postpartum.

Me: Cool. Last night I added donut holes to my bowl of ice cream.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) October 29, 2018

So, apparently we have another kid roaming around the house somewhere. If the information I’ve gathered from my other children is correct, this mystery child is named “not me” and is responsible for literally everything that happens around here.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) January 19, 2022

Me while baking cookies: My kids will grow up with these cookies. When they are homesick in college, I will send them care packages filled w/them. As adults, they will smell the aroma of fresh baked cookies and be overcome by nostalgia

*Offers kid cookie*

Kid: I don’t want it

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) December 14, 2018

Me at some point in my life: I’m pretty good at multitasking.

God: Give that cocky one twins.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) May 13, 2018

I’m at the age where my car’s heated seats have evolved from being a simple luxury to a vital part of my health care routine.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) October 26, 2020

My 3-year-old kept shouting the word “ciabatta” today from the backseat of the car and when I asked him why, he said “because it’s a good word.”

It sure is, pal.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) November 13, 2018

Me: I’m exhausted. Time for bed.

4 YO: Let’s do a foot high five. Want to hear me count to 100? I can name every dinosaur. Watch me put this invisible jacket on.

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) October 30, 2019

Me as a kid: *Thinks my grandma is weird because she wakes up at 4 AM and talks to imaginary animal friends in her yard.*

Me a few decades later, standing at my window at 4 AM talking to the bird in my yard: “Looks like we’re in for some nice weather today, Gus.”

— The Mom at Law® (@TheMomAtLaw) August 1, 2019