Top 20 Funniest Tweets on Marriage and Parenting from “Not the Nanny”

My daughter locked eyes with a boy at the park, shouted his name while shaking her fist in the air, and he ran in the opposite direction. When I asked her what that was all about she said, “Oh, him? He’s my mortal enemy.” My 8YO leads an infinitely more interesting life than me.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) September 28, 2021

I want to start living a decluttered, minimalist lifestyle so naturally I am at Target buying $300 worth of baskets and storage bins.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) November 5, 2021

6YO: Can we have the cookies grandma dropped off?

Me: After you guys go upstairs and clean your room

6YO and 4YO: (whispering to each other)

Me: Is there a problem?

6YO: We don’t trust you alone with them

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 23, 2020

My 6YO didn’t do his reading, yet wrote down 30 minutes on his reading log, which he signed his dad’s name to. I explained forgery to him and he explained that didn’t apply because he and his dad share a name. Where is he learning this stuff, cuz it’s apparently not from books.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) October 3, 2022

My husband pissed me off so I sent him a picture of the thermostat set to 72 degrees.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) March 1, 2021

My husband is volunteer coaching 2nd grade basketball and out of nowhere one of the kids burst into tears. When my husband asked him what was wrong, he said, “I’m just so hungry and I KNOW my brother is just sitting at home eating snacks.”

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) October 16, 2022

I told my kids I won’t tolerate tattling unless someone’s safety is at risk. And what do you know, they’re suddenly VERY concerned about each other’s safety. “Mom! I’m worried my sister’s gonna choke cuz she’s eating too much chocolate before dinner!”

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) December 16, 2022

I’m actually a really easy person to love. All I need is: quality time, ok but now I feel suffocated, please go away; words of affirmation, wow now I’m uncomfortable, you’re cheesy stop talking; and acts of service, but not like that, that’s wrong, I’ll just do it myself.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) March 27, 2022

My husband left to go on a grocery run 45 minutes ago and hasn’t texted me for any clarifications. Do I call missing persons?

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) September 7, 2020

Four year-olds are the best, because who else walks in the kitchen when you’re microwaving mac and cheese and exclaims, “mom! It smells beautiful in here!”

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) September 17, 2020

My toddler dropped my phone while she was FaceTiming my mom, gasped, picked it back up, and asked, “grandma, are you ok???” It was the cutest-dumbest thing Ive ever seen.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 22, 2021

Me: Your mom dropped off donuts, so there go my plans to eat healthy today

Husband: You could just not eat them

Me: Don’t be ridiculous

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) December 10, 2020

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) March 15, 2020

I was jogging in the park and every time I passed these two elderly ladies sitting on a bench, they stood up and cheered for me and this is 100% the kind of support I need in my life.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 28, 2020

I forgot to pack my 4YO’s lunch once 7 months ago, and every now and then at drop off she’ll randomly say in front of everyone, “mom, you packed my lunch today GOOD JOB!”

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 1, 2022

My mom complained that she gained five pounds over the weekend and without skipping a beat, my dad said, “I saw the grandkids messing with the scale. I’ll fix it.” Pretty sure I saw my husband taking notes.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) September 12, 2020

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) January 13, 2021

5YO: I’m going to wait for my sister to get home to eat my cookie

Me: That’s so sweet you’re gonna share with her

5YO: I’m not sharing, I just want her to know about it

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) April 23, 2021

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) December 23, 2020

One of the greatest joys of parenting is doing workout videos in front of your children. They yell out little encouragements like, “mom, she’s going faster than you!” and “why’d you stop, it’s still going!”

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) January 4, 2022