16 of the Funniest Tweets About Marriage From Sarcastic Mommy

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 16, 2019

When you’ve been married for over 20 years, if your husband texts you “come to my office, everyone is gone & I want to show you something.” Don’t get excited.

It’s just to look at an elaborate spreadsheet of your finances.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 1, 2021

Wedding vows should be updated to include, “Do you promise to love & cherish him when he continues to watch loud videos on his phone after you’ve asked him to turn it down?”

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 20, 2022

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a date & then we laughed & laughed & went to Costco.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 3, 2019

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 24, 2019

After being sad about our oldest child moving out, my husband said, “We can always have another one!”

So, anyways, now we have 2 people moving out.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 12, 2018

My husband & I like to party & by party I mean turn on Netflix around 8pm & hope to stay awake until 8:05.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 28, 2021

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I'd be missing out.

Oh please, don't leave me home with electricity & running water.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 5, 2017

My husband is out in the garage looking for something I threw away weeks ago.

Do I just leave & start my new life now?

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 4, 2021

My husband told me to dress nice because he was going to take me somewhere really expensive.

I swear to God, if it’s the Lowe’s lumber aisle, it’s over.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 6, 2021

I forgot my sweater in the car so I asked my husband if he could go get it & he came back in saying “nope, it’s not in there.”

So I went out to the car & grabbed my sweater because apparently women only have the ability to find things.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 15, 2022

My husband came home from being out of town for 6 days, walked through the door & went straight to the dog.

If you’re wondering what 20+ years of marriage looks like.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 17, 2021

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it won’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 18, 2021

Apparently, being married is just saying the same thing over & over, just for your spouse to say, “you never told me that” even though it’s been said verbally & is documented in written form.

Love that journey for me.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2021

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017

Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 7, 2018