The Funniest, Most Accurate Tweets About Married Life

My wife put parental controls on Netflix because I watched one of our shows without her.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 31, 2022

70% of marriage is yelling “what” from a different room.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 11, 2020

Marriage is equal parts "I would die without you" and "For the love of God, do you have to sneeze like that?"

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 6, 2019

My husband just asked me, “is that really what you’re wearing?” and my daughter immediately answered, “I’ll get the shovel” from the other room so I think she’s ready for marriage.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) April 14, 2020

Welcome to marriage. Are you falling asleep? It's only 9:30! I thought we were going to watch a show?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 10, 2020

DATING: can’t wait to see you again

MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018

My wife and I share the household chores so we both do equal work. For example, I just folded a load of towels and then she re-folded them the “right” way.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 6, 2021

Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 13, 2020

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 17, 2022

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 22, 2020

My wife just announced she’s going on a diet so I guess this is my announcement that I am going on a diet, too.

— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 6, 2022

Before you marry someone:

1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal.
2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on.
3. Watch them brush their teeth.
4. Make sure you are temperature compatible.
5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 28, 2019

Whenever we wake up in the morning my wife and I debrief each other on all the things the other person did during the night.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 6, 2022

*watching husband sleep*

Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"

*husband snores*

Me: "I can't live like this."

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016

Marriage is strange, you pick a side of the bed on the first date and that becomes the only side you will ever sleep on for the rest of your life.

— Lazor (@Lazor2828) April 8, 2021

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

— The Dad (@thedad) August 28, 2019

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015

My husband said the new throw pillows I bought really tie the whole room together, so if you’re wondering how many years of marriage it takes to wear down a husband, it’s 14.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 24, 2021

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a date & then we laughed & laughed & went to Costco.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 3, 2019

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

— smerobin (@smerobin) March 12, 2019

In July my grandparents will be married for 58 years, so I asked my grandpa what the secret to marriage is & his response was: “I have my hearing aids off most of the time”

— heckt (@l33ner__) March 22, 2019

My husband (the extrovert) and I (the introvert) got separated on our flight. We're in middle seats in the same row.

I've already apologized to the people sitting next to me like 7 times. My husband is sharing beef jerky with strangers and I think he's now in someone's wedding.

— Author Abby Jimenez (@AuthorAbbyJim) December 18, 2018

Prayers for my husband who very tragically got me nothing for our anniversary when I specifically told him I wanted nothing for our anniversary.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 28, 2020

We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 27, 2020

Before you marry someone, build a piece of Ikea furniture together. If you can get through it without hurling "Vanskaplig cam lock nuts" at each other's heads, you're probably good to go.

— I Might Be Funny (@imightbefunny1) June 25, 2022

I saw a man at the grocery store taking pictures of different containers of yogurt and I didn’t need to look for a wedding ring to know he’s married.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 15, 2021